Jones' and James' Most Execellent Adventure
by Lysdexic
Summary: Shameless self-insert into the Naruto universe. We give it to the Naruto universe doggy style.
1. Therapy

Author Notes: this is my first fanfic after my bastard of a roommate introduced me to this horribly addictive form of 'literature.' It is a shameless self-insert designed to poke fun at both the original story and fanfics. This story was created in conjuction with cjonbloodletter who plays the part of (terrible) editor and humor engine.

Disclaimers: I do not own any of the characters in this story, except for James.

Oh, and Jones... he's my bitch.

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He began to rise out of sleep slowly as he felt a foot nudging him in the ribs. "Kill you if don't stop," He muttered groggily. The offending foot was insistent, however, and began nudging him harder.

In his semi-concious state he began to notice a couple of odd things. First off, his bed had become a lot harder. The second thing was that sunlight seemed to be shining down on his face. the third was, the smell of his room was no longer that of a pair of slobby bachelors in a barracks room.

What the hell. His mind, now coming fully awake despite his stubborn refusal to let go of sleep on a day off, began to put those discrepencies together. Why in the fuck am I outside.

He opened his eyes, and sure enough, he was lying on what seemed to be a forest floor with sunlight filtering down onto his face. He looked up to see who was nudging him, and promptly decided that he hadn't actually woken up. So he passed out.

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Naruto scratched his head at the odd mans inability to stay awake. Maybe Naruto was just so awesome that the guy couldn't handle it. Yea, that had to be it! He hoped it wouldn't be a constant problem, though. Naruto wanted to know who this guy was if he could Shunshin in his sleep. at least that's what it looked like he had done, appearing out of nowhere and landing on top of Naruto. How he slept through that, Naruto would never know.

The strangest thing about him was the fact that he was clad only in a pair of boxers. That, and he had enough body hair to make one wonder if a monkey was somewhere in his ancestry. He was thin and lacked any muscle tone. Odd for a ninja. His hair was dark and cut so close to his head, he might as well have been bald.

Naruto tried nudging the man again, then slapping. When that failed, he poured the contents of his canteen on his face.

"SON OF A BITCH!" He shot up to a standing posisition, sputtering. He continued to curse as he wiped his face with his hands, then stopped abruptly. His dark brown eyes peeked over his hands, and he began muttering to himself. "Not... possible. Must be dreaming. Yea, dreaming. Read too much manga."

Naruto just watched the guy curiously. He was used to odd behavior, what with Sakura's bipolar mood swings and Sasuke's stubborn moping. The guy looked as if his conversation with himself was winding down, so Naruto decided to be polite and introduce himself. "My name is Uzamaki Naruto and..."

"You're gonna become the strongest ninja in Konaha and be the Hokage someday. yea, I know."

Naruto just blinked at the man. He knew he hadn't met this guy before, and he didn't look like he was from Konoha. "How'd you know that?"

The guy seemed to have lost interest in the conversation, and was lost in thought. He started slightly at the blond's voice. "Hmmm? I read." Was his simple if cryptic answer.

"You... read? What the hell does that mean? I'm just made freaking genin. How could you read anything about me?" Naruto's frustration showed plainly on his face as his stunted logic tried to make sense of this wierdo.

"Just made genin... of course, now I know when I am."

Again Naruto blinked. When... I am? "Don't you mean where?"

"Nope. I'm pretty sure I meant when. You are about to go meet your team and sensei for your first mission, right?"

"Well yea, but how...?"

"Don't bother showing up for another hour or so. Your sensei will be late."

"Alright wierdo. What the hell are you talking about? How the hell do you know this shit? And why aren't you wearing any clothes?" Naruto was about ready to stab the bastard. He didn't like it when people fucked with his head, and this guy was giving it to his mind doggy style.

The guy looked at the him for a long moment and seemed to come to a decision. "Alright, kid. Have a seat. I guess it's better to humor my subconcious."

Naruto didn't even bother trying to figure that last statement out as he sat to listen to the crazy man explain himself.

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"So... you are currently asleep?"

"Right."

"In your own... world?"

"Correct."

"Where I am the main character in a manga?"

"Yep."

"And this is all your dream, cause you read it way too much?"

"You got it."

"You are a nutcase," the blonde deadpanned.

"Wow... it's been almost a year since I told myself that," the wierdo said seriously.

"You didn't tell yourself that, I did!" Naruto said with exasperation. The guy was firmly convinced that Naruto, and his whole world, were just a creation of his sleeping mind. It really pissed him off to be classified as a figment of someone elses imagination.

"But you are just a figment of my subconcious dreaming mind. So, therefore, I am telling myself I am crazy."

Naruto gave up on that line. "What's your name wacko?"

"James... why do you ask?"

"James... James... odd name. Oh... I need to know what to put on the form to commit you."

James just stared at Naruto for a good ten seconds and then started to laugh. The blond was a little disturbed that this freak found it ammusing that he was about to take him to a psyche ward... run by trained killers. "What the hell is so funny about that?"

"You... take me... to a shrink?" he manage to get out between giggles. "You can't touch me, shorty."

Naruto snapped. Shorty... SHORTY! This guy is so dead. Naruto had a kunai out in the blink of an eye, and before James could do anything he pounced.

For his part, James didn't even dodge. What the hell was a twenty-one year old one hundred fifty pound gamer going to do against a shinobi. So he took the blow in the chest, or thats where it would have landed, if Naruto didn't simply pass through him as if he weren't there.

"Huwaugh?!" the blond exclaimed loudly as he stumbled through. James really didn't look surprised, just fascinated.

"Hmmm. So if I don't believe I will get hurt, I won't? Neato."

Naruto was now wondering if he was the crazy one. This guy had appeared out of nowhere, and he couldn't be touched. Before he could travel down that dark path, though, a large explosion went off in the distance. Are we under attack? He thought.

Naruto wasted no time. He filled his legs with chakra and darted towards ground zero, leaving James the freak to be crazy alone.

"Hey, fucker!" James yelled, after the ninja. He hated running, and he knew he would never be able to keep up with even the slowest and fattest guys here. Well... if this is my dream... then I should be able to do what I want...

Instead of going for the obvious, and copying the blond shinobi, he just... appeared... where Naruto was heading. "Totally awesome."

"You don't know awesome till you have met... JONES!!!" Another explosion engulfed the already burning training grounds.

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This was turning out to be like one of those terrible self insert fanfics that he had suffered through, just to see how retarded it would get. Not only was he here, but now his immensely unstable and narcissistic roommate was too.

The explosion that had gone off at the mere mention of Jones' name had of course, done no damage whatsoever to James. Naruto had arrived shortly after, and asked the obvious question, "Who the hell is this fatass?"

Before Jones could answer, Kakashi burst from the ground and had him hog tied and gagged. the last explosion had sent a rock flying into Sakura's head, and the first had given Sasuke some nasty burns. He didn't want his third student to be bedridden in the hospital either. Kakashi wasn't sure how this guy was causing the explosions, but they only seemed to happen when he said his name.

-

Kakashi had been hiding from his students, waiting for them to arrive so he could force them all to wait the standard three hours before he 'showed up late.'

Sakura had been the first to arrive, with Sasuke not too far behind. Before the lovesick girl could assault the object of her obsession in a very inappropriate way. A curious looking, and overweight, man walked into the clearing. An annoyed Sakura had demanded to know who would dare interupt her alone time with the unfortunate Uchiha heir. That's when the shit hit the fan.

The newcomer had answered with gusto,"Who am I? WHO AM I!? I... AM... JONES!" A massive explosion had followed. Sakura had been thrown clear by the concussion, but poor Sasuke had caught the fringe. Sakura had just managed to put out the small fire the was Sasuke's hair when another man, skinny as a rail and hairy as an ape, appeared from nowhere. The Jones had apparently taken this as a cue to once a gain shout his name.

The explosion had happened very close to Kakashi, but his reflexes and jutsu saved him from a very fiery death. Now that the threat had been taken care of and the medic nin were tending to his injured students, it was time to get some answers.

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He had left the fat interloper with the Torture and Interrogation shinobi after managing to get a very odd story out of the freak. It was too crazy to believe, and his friend, the skinny ape that had appeared from nowhere, had given him a similar story. These nut cases had to have escaped from a psyche ward somewhere. The one thing that had lent the tiniest bit of credence to their claims was the skinny ones insistence that he could alter reality as he pleased. He had proceeded with a small demonstration by clothing himself in plain, if baggy, black shirt and jeans that covered his feet.

Kakashi could think of about twenty different ways to pull that off, but the guy hadn't done anything... at all. He was just suddenly clothed, as if he had been wearing the shit the whole time. He just hoped that Ibiki or one of his equally screwed up colleauges could get some answers.

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"Okay, fella's. this is gonna be real easy. I ask a question and you answer. Simple huh?"

The thin guy shrugged, "Sure, whatever? We already told Kakashi everything we knew, though."

Ibiki had heard that many times before, and it didn't fool him this time either. "First off, your names?"

Before the rotundra could open his mouth, thin man slapped a hand over it to garble his shouted name. Despite the fact that the name had been messed up, a nearby unoccupied chair burst into flame. "Kakashi did tell you what this fool was capable of, right?"

Ibiki met the event with a raised brow. Both of these guys had accepted seals to completely suppress their chakra, and yet this guy... Jones, according to Kakashi, could still cause spontaneous combustion by simply uttering his name. even if it was messed up halfway through.

"Indeed. Couldn't help my curiousty, though. How bout you, apeman?"

The jibe had been designed to annoy the overly hairy individual, but he didn't even seem to realize he had been insulted.

"James," he stated simply.

Ibiki noted this. He had already been told this info by Kakashi, but that wouldn't stop him from being thorough.

"What village do you come from?" Ibiki continued.

"None of you business," answered James.

"Fuck you... and your mother," Jones put in cheerily, without missing a beat.

Ibiki carefully concealed his annoyance at the rebuke. these fools were obviously going to give him a hard time, and had the gall to be cheeky about it. Well, he knew how to take care of that. He wasn't considered an expert of pschology and the head of the ANBU T&I division for nothing.

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Anko paused for a moment, considering the new sign outside the interrogation room. "The Doctor Is In?" She read aloud, "Ibiki really needs to get some help. That's a pretty sick joke."

The irony of that statement nearly knocked her unconcious when she opened the door to find Ibiki lying on a comfy looking couch, his two captives sitting in high backed chairs, talking about his personal problems.

"So... you feel like your dad didn't love you, then?' Asked Jones in a soothing voice.

"Not that he didn't love me. He was just never around, you know," answered Ibiki ernestly.

Jones nodded sagely,"The life of a shinobi is demanding. Trying to rear a family can be equally taxxing... let's step away from the past for a bit. How do you feel about your chosen profession?"

"Can't really complain. I am acknowledged as a genius in my field, but even the other shinobi tend to shy away from me. I know what I do is... well... unsavory, but it's a neccerary part of what we do here."

James was scribbling notes frantically, then, noticing the gaping ANko at the door he put his pencil down. "Well, Ibiki, that's enough for today. You seem to be generally well adjusted... for a trained killer, but I want you to take a day off. Enjoy yourself, maybe even enjoy some time with a lady friend."

"Thanks, doc, but I can't just take a day off. I do run the T&I department," said the scarred ninja.

"Oh please. These are highly trained ANBU we are talking about. The department will run without you for a day. Go, enjoy yourself. Out. Doctor's orders," The nearly bald man insisted as he shooed Ibiki out the door.

To Anko's supreme amazement, the grim ANBU was actually smiling. And not in the 'I am about to fuck you up and enjoy it' way. He looked... happy.

Anko turned to the two strange men, who were discussing their 'patient.' She aproached them with determination in her eyes, "Whatever you did to Ibiki..." They both turned to her, listening,"Can you do it for me to?" She finished hopping on the couch.


	2. Delicious Pie

AN: And so this travesty of literature continues. James has some evil plan, and Jones... well Jones is Jones. Shorter than my first chapter, but I like to think that I prefer substance to length. this of course is a crock of shit, since there is no substance to this story.

I don't own any of the characters in this story except for James.

Jones has negotiated a deal to own himself.

Addendum: It appears that hates me and refuses to upload chapter two with all the capitalization I _did_ have in it. I will try again tomorrow to see if the shenanigans have stopped. Meanwhile, please forgive the annoying lack of uppercase letters.

Update: Finally figured out that doesn't like *.txt files. *.rtf seems to work fine.

Sarutobi snuck a glance over the strange report he had been reading and immediately regreted it. The thinner one... James, according to the report, was currently filling his time with cleaning out his left ear with his pinky and periodically pulling it out to examine the contents. The larger one, currently dressed in sweat pants and a oversized t-shirt that only served to accentuate the fact that he was overweight, was picking his nose absently.

The third Hokage cringed to think that these two were apparently responsible for destroying a whole training area and damaging some of the surounding area. At first glance, they looked like morons. well, the big looked like a moron. The other just looked lazy enough to stop breathing due to fatigue.

Sarutobi set the report down and cleared his throat to get their attention. "It seems you have done a fair bit of damage to my town..."

Jones began to chuckle to himself,"Hehehe... boom... hehehe."

"Not to mention the two genin you injured..."

"That right... fry," Jones continued to mumble.

"Is he... okay?" The Sandaima asked, slightly perturbed.

"He'll be fine," answered a bored looking James, "This is really just a show to see if he can disturb a seventy year old man that has been murduring people for money since he was ten."

Jones' manic expression was immediately replaced with a pout that, oddly enough, made the pyromaniac look innocent, "Damnit, James, why you gotta ruin my fun?"

"Cause I find it fun," James answered callously before turning to the Sandaima,"You gonna get to the point anytime soon, geezer? My friend here gets bored easy. When he gets bored, stuff blows up."

The Hokage flinched slightly at the threat but drove on in spite of it, "I can't very well let these acts go unpunished, but considering the circumstances and the report from the T&I division, I am willing to let you go after you have paid the repair bill and medical expenses."

A grin slowly spread across James' face; a grin that gave Sarutobi the creeps.

"Tell you what, old man, we'll take the place of those two genin and work off our debt."

The third was a little surprised by the suggestion. By their own admission, they weren't ninja, and anyone who had seen them would agree. The Hokage's seventy year old frame was in better condition than these two.

"The paperwork to do something like that would take forever. Besides, the council would never agree to it."

The grin never dropped from the layabouts face,"You will find the council more agreeable than you think. As for the paperwork..." a neat stack of papers appeared in on the thirds desk, "Now, we must get going. Wouldn't want to keep out team waiting."

A nod was their only answer as the Hokage stared at the papers in front of him. He heard the side door into his library open and he shook off his amazement as Hyuga Hiashi took a seat in front of him.

"Strange men, Hokage-sama. Was it wise to allow them to join team seven."

The third nodded, "I'm not too worried about it. Kakashi can handle himself well enough. What really worries me is the T&I department."

Hiashi's normally placid face screwed up in confusion, "What reason would you have for that?"

The Hokage held up a report, "The morale in that division is at the highest it's ever been... they are actually happy."

The Hyuga patriarch shuddered at the thought of happy torturers running around the city, "Those two are dangerous."

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It had been an... interesting week for Kakashi. The two wierdos that had blown up the training ground had aproached the cycloptic jounin and told him that were to replace his two missing team members until such time as they could recover. Kakashi had promptly disapeared to escape the dangerous freaks, and for seven days he had tried to avoid them. Despite his best efforts at stealth and trickery, they always seemed to find him.

"There you are, Kakashi," he heard from behind him as he hobbled down the streat disguised as an old man with a limp, "Why are you dressed like that?"

Kakashi ignored the question and turned a baleful glare on his tormentors.

"How? How are you finding me?" Kakashi's voice cracked, his sanity threatening to follow. Even the Hokage couldn't find him if he didn't want him to.

James gave the silver haired man a look that suggested he should already know, which caused the jounin's visible eye to start twitching uncontrollably, "I am merely able to see all points of the universe at once. Really, nobody can hide from me... as long as I bother to look for them."

Kakashi gave the man a look that suggested blood would be shed if another, less insane and impossible, method were not given to him.

"That, and the pie you ate," James added absently.

Kakashi's mind immediately blanked of all other thoughts, "How does my eating pie help you find me?"

"Jones has an uncanny knack for finding pie..."

"Delicious pie," Jones put in helpfully.

"The pie was delicious..."

"Exactly!" said Jones excitedly.

"I don't suppose I will ever escape you two," said Kakashi dejectedly.

"Nope. Now go get your dumbest student and meet us at the Hokage tower so we can start paying off our debt," ordered James.

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Iruka was about to yell at Naruto for having the gall to demand a C-rank mission from the Hokage, but was stopped when he saw the Hokage's eyes glaze over and hand Kakashi the requested mission. He was supremely disturbered when one of the jounin's temporary team members caught his eye and held his finger up to his lips, suggesting the scarred genin keep quiet.

"An escort mission," said Kakashi, "take some bridge builder to the Land of Waves."

"Not 'some bridge' builder," corrected an overweight middle aged man as he walked in, "I am Tazuna, best bridge builder in all the elemental countries."

He looked over the team assigned to escort him him and sneered. Naruto was bouncing around in his excitement, Jones was eating a whole pie straight from the pan, and James' attention was wholly absorbed by a spider crawling up the wall.

"A brat, a fatass, and a mental defficient," he said snidely.

Naruto took offense and launched into a tirade about him being the Hokage someday, but was ignored by all present in favor of Tazuna, who out of nowhere, was now wearing a pair of boxers on his head. The old man promptly retreated to the nearest restroom, chased by laughter, to correct his sudden wardrobe malfunction.

"Nobody calls me a retard," said James.

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They walked down the road at an easy pace, Kakashi up front with Naruto trying to hammer some knowledge through his thick skull, James and Jones in the back arguing. Tazuna was left in the middle wondering what sort of mad house they had let these ninjas out of.

"C'mon, James! Just a slice? Pleeeaaasssee," pleaded Jones with his best pout, which served only to amuse James.

"No. I will not make you another pie. Now leave me be," the thinner of the odd pair said for the umpteenth time.

They carried on like this for a while. Tazuna was idly wondering how a puddle could last so long in such a hot climate, when the attack came. A spiked chain had suddenly wrapped around Kakashi. A split second later and it pulled taught, the razor sharp links rending the unfortunate jounin into gory bits.

Suddenly, those bits poofed, revealing that it had only been a rather large piece of dead wood. Naruto was frozen as the attackers came at him. Each wore a clawed gauntlet on opposite hands with the chains end strung between them.

Naruto managed to overcome his shock and barely dodge a swipe of one of the deadly gauntlets, recieving a nasty gash on his wrist.

A cry of, "JONES!" resounded and suddenly, and one of the assassins was disarmed... literally... as his gauntleted arm exploded.

The other had been stopped by James. At least, the rest of them figured only he could encase someone in a ten foot cube of jello... lime jello.

Kakashi dropped from his hiding place in the trees overhead, "That was... interesting."

After some questioning and first aid Kakashi had the group moving again, "Tell me, Tazuna. Why would assassins be attacking us? It couldn't possibly be because you falsified the possible dangers of this little trek. Because that might earn you the ire of a certain village that is hidden. Hidden by leaves, specifically."

Tazuna sighed heavily, "The Land of Waves is not a rich place. It is held under the thumb of a terrible man named Gatou. He wants me dead because my bridge will boost the economy of Wave and help it gain independence from him."

As Tazuna plead his case to a seemingly indifferent Kakashi, another conversation was going on at the rear of the procession.

"I have been wondering, James..." said Jones, dropping his 'I'm a dumbass' act for the moment.

"What's that?"

"You can manipulate reality in anyway you want, right?"

"Basically. I am limited by a few factors, but for the most part, reality is currently my bitch," James answered.

"So why not just, you know, make whatever you want happen: Debt gone, fun time, instant travel, etc?"

"Mostly because that would be too easy and boring. I like a challenge. Besides, I am currently preoccupied with altering something, and I have been for a while. It's been taking most of my concentration, so I can't do anything big."

"What are you altering?" asked Jones with a bit of trepidation.

"That," said James with an evil grin, "Is a surprise."

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Somewhere else in the world, Madara was bashing his head against a cave wall, trying anything to get that damnable voice out of his head.

Your name is Tobi, and you... are... a... good boy.

Madara screamed as he spiraled furthur into madness.


	3. Mallard?

AN: Some of you (I like to imagine _someone _reads this) are probably thinking that I was done. How wrong you were. You thought that ignoring me would make this horrible story go away... but I don't do this for you. I do this solely for my own amusement. I present chapter three of my shameless self-insert.

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Sasuke's breath came in labored gasps as he ran down the sterile white hallway. He turned down a side hall at random in an attempt to shake pursuit. He cursed as he heard the pounding of feat behind him.

He rued ever asking that simple question a week and a half ago: 'Who are you?'

The explosion that followed had been larger than any tag he had ever seen.

He had felt fine for three days now, but the doctors wanted to keep him under observation for at least another week. Like every other ninja in existence, Sasuke didn't like being at the hospital. This had led to a botched escape attempt. He had failed to think of the possibility that the nurses were both well prepared and very talented at catching wayward patients.

"There he is!" He heard Ino's voice shout out. It really didn't help that his fangirls were so worried about his health that they were helping the staff.

He growled as he turned another corner then yelped in surprise as a hand grabbed his arm and yanked him into a janitor closet. Another hand clamped over his mouth before he could make any more sound. The hand remained until the sound of the nurses and fangirls had receeded.

The hand moved away, "you okay, Sasuke-kun?"

The Uchiha's eyebrows went up in surprise, "Sakura... is that you?"

"Yea... I was trying to get out, when I heard you coming. Those wacko doctors want me to stay another two weeks!"

Sasuke chuckled a little, able to relate to his female teammate for once, "C'mon, maybe we can sneak out now."

He opened the door, only to run right into Maito Gai, who had recently sprained his wrist. Sasuke paled... he had heard about this man.

"WELL THEN! LOOK AT THESE TWO YOUTHFUL PEOPLE, WHOSE FLAMES OF YOUTH BURN EVEN PAST THEIR INJURIES! SURELY, THOUGH, YOUR RANDEVOUS CAN WAIT TILL YOU HEAL FULLY. THAT WAY THESE TWO CUTE ONES MAY HAVE THEIR YOUTH BURN ALL THE BRIGHTER!"

Gai's outburst had, of course, brought all the staff in that wing to figure out what was going on.

An hour later, Sasuke was in his hospital bed devising ways to kill Maito Gai.

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Jones laughed as yet another squirl burst into a mini shower of gore. He had done it at least a hundred times, and it still never got old. Naruto was somewhat disgusted by what he was doing, but was intrigued by how he was doing it.

"Hey. How are you doing that?" He asked as another squirl popped.

"The awesomeness that is JONES," a nearby rabbit burst into flames, "causes things to overload and go boom."

"I don't see any hand seals... all you do is yell your name," Naruto's face screwed up in confusion, "So how are you making the explosions."

Jones dropped his 'fool' act, preparing to lecture his younger teammate, "Well, Naruto. There is a point when the awesomeness of any particular individual becomes so great that he can channel it into other things," he paused, seeing if Naruto was paying attention. the boy seemed to be hanging on his every word.

"By channeling your own awesomeness into something, you can raise the awesomeness of it to such high levels at such rapid rates that it breaks down in the most awesome way it can... BOOM!" He finished loudly.

"That's amazing!" said Naruto excitedly.

"And a crock of shit," put in James sarcastically.

Before Jones could retort, a particularly pretty blue and purple butterfly passed by his face. He immediately forgot the jab to chase it.

"Wait, little butterfly, I want to hold you."

Naruto started to run after him, but felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked back to see James just shaking his head at his fat friends antics, "He'll be back."

"DUCK!" Yelled Kakashi, as a mass of whirling steel death flew from the tree line.

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Sasuke waited by the door, a bed pan raised high. A young nurse opened the door, summoned by Sasuke's call button, "What can I do for you, Sasuke-kuragahl!" She finish with a surprised gurgle as the young genin bashed her across the head. he dragged her to his bed and laid her on it. He then waited by the door again.

Soon enough, one of the other nurses, worried for her coworker came in, "Yukitaguhl?" Her question was cut short, as a, now heavily dented, bed pan came down. He quickly hid this one in the bathroom, and, using a simple henge, took on her appearance.

"OH NO!" he shouted in his disguised voice, "SASUKE'S KNOCKED OUT YUKITO AND ESCAPED AGAIN!"

this brought a horde of nurses running, to investigate. In the confusion that followed he slipped out of his room. He began to head towards the exit, but stopped when he thought of poor Sakura still stuck in her own room. He figured he had at least three minutes before the clever medic nin puzzled out what he had done. This would be close.

He found her room a floor down. a nurse was already in there telling her about her current condition (she was perfectly fine) and that she only had another week there. Sasuke grabbed a spare bed pan. He was finding them to be surprisingly effective. A quick head bash and hasty explanation later and he had Sakura in a wheelchair and was heading for the exit.

The whole hospital was on alert for him, but if they could get to the exit they could escape into the city where, good as they were, the medic nin would have no hope of catching them. they might hit up the ANBU for help, but the elite ninjas usually just laughed when someone got away.

He was getting antsy, though. He kept imagining that people were looking at him suspiciously. He realized moments later that they were, very subtly, eying him. He really shouldn't have noticed such discreet looks from these more experienced ninjas. He shook off the feeling as he came in view of the exit. He kept his pace sedate so as to keep suspicion to a minimum. Then it hit him like a ton of bricks. He saw images of the orderlies moving to intercept them as his chakra started to drop rapidly. It could only mean one thing.

"SAKURA, GO!" he shouted as the orderlies followed their translucent twins. Both he and Sakura bolted for the door, narrowly dodging the two guards as they lunged. They ran for the nearest training area where they collapsed into a laughing fit, both ecstatic to be out of that too clean hell.

Then Sasuke's sharingin deactivated and he passed out from chakra depletion.

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Kakashi's danger sense hadn't failed him. he had managed to get their client out of harms way. His shouted warning had an immediate effect on Naruto, who dove for the ground. James, on the other hand, just turned to the giant missile with a raised brow. Kakashi winced as the blade connected with the thin man. His wince turned to surprise as the expected shower of gore never came. The blade had passed through with no apparent effect on James.

He resolved to question the man on the full extent of his abilities later. More important, at the moment, was the S-ranked nukenin that was now standing on the tree embedded sword.

Naruto, in his excitement, began to charge. He was determined to actually do some good this fight. Before he made it two steps, however, Kakashi had stopped him.

"That's Momichi Zabuza; The Demon of the Mist. This one is on a whole different level."

"I'm flattered by your recognition, Sharingin Kakashi," drawled the browless man, "I'm here for the old man; I don't suppose we could make this easy, and you just let me kill him?"

Kakashi knew that he was in for a fight. Jones had run off after a damn insect, and James... well James was capricious at best. He reached up to his hitai-ite and pulled it up. His sharingin revealed he glanced to Naruto.

"Protect Tazuna-san. I will fight him alone."

The shirtless nukenin leapt from the tree with his zanbatou at his words. His speed made him a blur to Naruto's eyes, but he managed to follow him to where he stopped atop the water of the nearby tidal marsh one hand raised above his head, the other forming a seal.

"Kirigakure no justu," he said menacingly as a thick mist obscured the area.

"Throat, spine, lungs, liver, jugular vein, sub-clavian artery, kidney, heart... which vital should I go for first?" Zabuza's voice seemed to come from every direction.

Naruto's nerves were becoming raw as he waited for the inevitable attack. He looked to James for support, but the substitute ninja seemed bored with the situation. Naruto idly wondered if the tall, lanky man was really as powerful as Kakashi had told him.

Suddenly, Naruto felt a spike of killing intent right between him and their drunk charge. Before he could even turn towards the mist nukenin, Kakashi was there, stabbing into Zabuza's chest with a kunai. The assassin seemed to dissolve into liquid, revealing that he was no more than a water clone. In the split second it took for the clone to dissipate, another Zabuza had come in behind the silver haired jounin. With a quick slash of his massive sword, Kakashi was split in two at the waist.

Naruto was stunned at his senseis death, then doubly so as he saw the two halves fall into puddles on the ground. Before their assailant could react, a kunai was at his throat.

"Don't move," Kakashi warned, any note of his usual carefree attitude gone.

Zabuza chuckled, "You think you can win just by aping me, Kakashi?"

"I'm not that easy," Kakashi heard from behind.

Kakashi brough his kunai across the water clones throat, dispelling it. Then brought himself down as low as he could, Zabuza's zanbatou passing a mere inch above his back.

Zabuza followed through with the swipe, angling it down to embed the blade in the earth. Using the hilt as pivot, he came up in a powerful round house as his silver haired opponent rose. Taken by surprise, and somewhat off balance, Kakashi took the blow, flying into the tidal marsh.

He surfaced quickly, but Zabuza had him right where he wanted him. Kakashi was soon enveloped in a sphere of water, Zabuza leering at him triumphantly from his place behind the water prison.

Naruto looked on fearfully as a clone of Zabuza rose from the water, but he gathered his resolve and stood firmly in front of his charge. His mind raced to find the answer. Crap, crap, CRAP! this guy is crazy powerful. I can't even match up to one of his clones... wait, he needs a clone to get Tazuna? He can't move from that bubble of water!

Zabuza's clone had been blathering about something, but Naruto hadn't been paying attention. He wished he had when the water clone disapeared, only to reapear with a foot firmly planting in his face. He flew back, but shook off the blow.

"GO! RUN! HE CAN'T MAINTAIN THAT TECHNIQUE AT A DISTANCE!" The trapped Kakashi yelled.

Naruto had other ideas though. He charged Zabuza's clone, only to recieve another kick to the face... and disappear in a cloud of smoke.

"What?" both Zabuza's said simultaneously.

The real one heard an odd pop come from behind him. He turn in time to see the real Naruto fling a Kunai right at his face. He cursed as he released the water prison to dodge.

"How did he get behind me?" he growled.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Naruto hadn't expected the kick, but he set his plan in motion anyway. As soon as his skid took him past James he quickly produced a kage bunshin in his place as he leapt behind the man. for his part, James didn't even flinch when Naruto began whispering to him.

"James, Kakashi-sensei told me you can move things from place to place sorta like a shunshin. Can you do that to me?" he quickly asked.

"I'll put you where you need to be," James confirmed.

As soon as the shadow clone was in full charge, Naruto felt an odd sensation; it was like a sense of deja' vu. Before he could think on it, the strangest thing he could have imagined happened. He saw himself appear behind Zabuza. Then without warning he was behind him. He could just make out himself in James' shadow as he threw his kunai. Then he was gone.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Zabuza fell quickly to the power of Sharingan. He became fearful, and thus sloppy, at the end of the fight. Before Kakashi could end it, however, a pair of senbon pierced the nukenin's neck. His body fell limply to the ground as they heard a feminine voice call out.

"Thank you for wearing him out. I have been hunting him for quite some time now," the masked figure said.

The hunter ninja hopped down from her perch in the trees, and picked up Zabuza's lifeless body, "I'll take care of the body now."

She quickly shunshined away. Kakashi just sighed and pulled his hitai-ite back over his sharingan eye.

"Let's get Tazuna-san to his home now," he said just before passing out.

"So... where was the duck?" James asked Naruto seriously.


	4. Good Boy

Here we go again. Here you will notice Sasuke acting like a real person, instead of a broody little shit. Why, you ask? Because I can. Things will most likely continue to grow away from canon... or not. I really don't care as long as this venture continues to amuse me.

Disclaimer: None of the characters in this story belong to me, except for James. Jones has foolishly sold himself back to me for two pies: one apple and one blueberry.

* * *

Sasuke awoke in his own bed. He was still tired, but the sounds coming from his stomach. He got up from the bed gingerly, and a scent wafted by his nose. It smelled like the curry his mom used to make him after training hard with his brother... Itachi. The thought of the man that had robbed him of his family, of his happiness, turned his mood dark. He found his way through his dencently sized apartment to find Sakura humming to herself while she spooned curry onto a pair of plates.

"What are you doing?" Sasuke asked coldy; he hadn't meant to sound like such an ass.

Sakura turned in surprise. The happy gleam in her eyes dimmed quickly at hearing her crushes tone.

"I...I... brought you here after you passed out. I figured you would be hungry when you woke up," Sakura sounded as if she was hurt by his words.

The Uchiha heir felt some remorse at the way he was treating her. Sure she fawned over him constantly, but the fact was she had lugged his ass all the way here and even made him dinner. His face softened, and he smirked slightly.

"Sorry, Sakura," he apologized, "You were right; I am starving, and that smells good."

Sakura beamed at the praise. Sasuke had to resist snorting at how easy it was for him to placate her. He took a plate from her, and began to eat even before sitting at his small table. Sakura joined him, thankfully silent to allow him to eat in peace.

When he finished, he placed his chopsticks down with a smirk.

"Thanks, Sakura, that was pretty good."

She looked about ready to gush, but stopped when he held up his hand.

"Sakura, you are my teammate, and after that torture house they call a hospital, I am willing to call you a friend."

Again with the damn of her emotions about to burst.

"BUT," he said quickly to cut her off, "you are going to have to stop this fangirl bullshit. I have no idea where you got the idea that making passes at me at every available opportunity would earn my afection, but you are sorely mistaken."

She looked crestfallen at that, but he had to burst her bubble sometime. He couldn't get that close to someone... it would only be trouble when he decided to take his revenge on his brother.

"To keep you from making a mistake I have three rules. Stay an arms length away from me; this is my personal bubble... you are not to invade it."

She nodded in understanding. Hell, this was the most he had ever spoken to her; she would take what she could get.

"Do not pry into my past. That is very... personal to me."

A look of concern passed her face when she noticed the cold tone of his second rule, but, as he demanded, she didn't ask.

"Last... stop trying to seduce me. It's... creepy."

She was aghast at being reffered to as creepy. The look on her face was priceless to Sasuke. He didn't laugh, though. He had seen multiple time what happened to the dobe when he angered the pink haired kunoichi.

"You should go home and get some rest. It's been two weeks since we had any training, and I'll be damned if I fall behind the dobe."

* * *

"How the hell do you fold something with no edges or surface?" Kakashi asked as he watched his blonde student run up a tree, trying his damnedest to reach the top... and failing miserably.

"That's a good question," James replied, "To understand I would have to impart to you knowledge that would shatter your mind."

James had been explaining his abilities to Kakashi. It was a little frustrating knowing no one would truly understand what he was doing. His last question had been prompted by James' description of what he had done to move Naruto from one place to another so fast. It was really as simple as folding space, James had told him.

"Why aren't you crazy then?" Came the obvious reply.

"How do you know I'm not?" James countered.

Kakashi shuddered a little at the question. James did always seem a few cards short of a deck. He wasn't as... enthusiastic as Jones, but it was the quiet ones that were really dangerous.

"How is it possible for you to know what you do anyway?"

"Not sure. I can litterally sense what is going on in the entire universe at any given moment, but for all that, I can't answer why," the lanky man said dejectedly.

"You mean... everything... as in EVERYTHING?" Kakashi seemed incredulous.

"Yea, but my brain can't handle all the info, so I pretty much narrow my senses to what I can," James explained.

"So what do you plan to do with all this power?" Kakashi ventured.

"Have fun I suppose."

"How does a reality altering being 'have fun'?"

* * *

Madara was smiling. He was happy. He was happy because today was the day that the voice was going to stop. He finally had the answer.

Before he could plunge a wicked looking knife into his own chest, his other hand shot up and slapped it from his grasp.

"Bad Tobi!" He heard escape from his lips without his consent.

He began to laugh hysterically. Then cry.

_Stabbing yourself is bad, Tobi. You aren't bad, though. You are a good boy... right?_

"Tobi's... a good... boy," muttered Madara through the sobs.

* * *

"I have things I enjoy..."

The evil gleam in James' eyes made Kakashi decide this little conversation was over. He got up, and hobbled back inside to, at least, escape the all powerful freaks presence.

Naruto, meanwhile, was taking a break from his tree climbing endeavors. He walked to where James was sitting and flopped down.

"This shit is impossible," he muttered.

"You're thinking about it too much, kid. Relax and feel it out," James offered him.

"I'll give it another try in a few. I just need some rest," Naruto pulled himself into a sitting position.

"Where do you suppose Jones is?" Naruto asked, a little worried.

"Don't know... I can't seem to locate him. It's like the fat bastard has disappeared," James responded, "Don't worry, though. I'm sure he's fine."

* * *

"More pie, Jones-sama?" asked a scantily clad red headed servant, a pie in each hand.

Jones sat in his plush leather chair behind a large oak desk, which was serving as a foot rest for the reclining blonde.

"Cherry sounds good..." he said thoughtfully.

The busty woman happily began feeding him one of the pies, as another brazenly dressed woman entered through the double doors oposite his desk.

"Your take over of the Gato Corporation is near complete, Jones-sama. You are a brilliant bussiness man," the new comer, a brunette, said as she shashayed toward him.

"That's excellent news," Jones said happily, "This calls for celebration."

The two women gave each other sly looks, and eased themselves under his desk.

* * *

Sasuke let himself fall backwards onto the turf under his tree. He was amazed at how difficult it really was to use chakra to stick to a tree. He cursed his silver haired sensei for ever suggesting they master this in his absense. What really irked him was that Sakura had mastered it at a phenominal rate. She was now calmly observing Sasuke from her own tree. She tossed him advice from time to time, and it was surprisingly helpful.

Currently, the pink haired genin was, at Sasuke's suggestion, increasing her endurance by trying to stick to her perch upside down for an hour. She had the technique down, but her stamina was laughible. With her control, if she could increase it up to at least Sasuke's current level, she would be a truly dangerous ninja.

Sasuke got up for another attempt. He knew their other teammate would be practicing this as well. He didn't really believe that the dobe would get it any time soon, but he had seen the tenacious blonde train. He had seen him go until he litterally passed out. Sasuke had to respect his drive; not that he would ever tell anyone.

he managed another foot up the tree before Sakura's endurance gave out. It was about midday, and he was hungry.

"Let's take a break, Sakura," he suggested as she landed lightly under her tree.

They got a quick lunch at a nearby food stall, and as they ate quietly, Sasuke reflected on his recent actions. It was seriously out of character for him to show any sort of kindness to anyone, much less one of his raving fan girls. If it hadn't been for the maddening stay in the hospital, he probably wouldn't have warmed up to Sakura. He tugged at his hair absently. It still wasn't back to it's normal length from that damn explosion.

"It's nice to have a quiet lunch without that loud mouth fool, Naruto," commented Sakura, interupting his thoughts.

"He's not nearly as dumb as you think," Sasuke said absently, not really stopping to think about what he was saying.

"What do you mean?" Sakura asked, curious why her crush was defending their classes dead last.

"Hmmm..." Sasuke rose from his reverie, "Think about it. What better way to surprise someone than acting like a dolt, then bringing out what you can really do."

"I suppose you have a point..."

"The there is the Kage Bunshin..." Sasuke went on, "It's considered a jounin level technique because it takes an enormous ammount of chakra. He make a lot of them from what I've seen."

Sasuke had stopped explaining to Sakura and was now going over what he knew about the blonde idiot. Not much really. He had, like many of their fellow class mates, just assumed he was truly a dobe. He showed during training, however, that he good instincts. Sparring against him was like being caught in a riot. You just never knew what was coming next where Naruto was concerned.

Sasuke returned to his training with fervor after the meal. He had convinced himself that there was more to 'the dobe' than he let on. The Uchiha heir smirked. He was going to find out what was behind that fool's mask.

* * *

Zabuza awoke to Haku tending his many wounds. something seemed off about the boy, but he couldn't place it. Gatou and his goons were there, too; blathering about him failing his mission or something. Before long Haku decided it was time they left, and told them so with their own weapons to their their throats.

Haku's anger and exertion caused his scent to grow stronger in the air, and being a killer who didn't rely on his eyes, Zabuza picked it up easily.

"Ummmm... Haku..." he began.

"Yes," Haku responded, "what is it?"

"Why do you smell like a girl?"

Haku gave him an incredulous look.

"Did they hit your head, Zabuza-sama... I am a girl," Haku answered.

This really confused Zabuza. He had known Haku since he was a young child. The boy was always very effeminite, but was definitely equipped with a male set of genitelia. there was the scent, though. It was definitely Haku... just more womanly.

"Are you trying to play some sort of joke on me?" The demon of the mist growled menacingly.

Haku looked indignant at this suggestion. One had to admit, the boy looked just like an angry girl with that face.

"Seriously, Haku. How are you making that smell?"

Haku stomped over to his bedside and lifted up his kimono to show that he was... a her. There was a distinct lack of equipment of the male persausion. The frilly panties only served to drive his, er... her point home.

"With that," she said in a huff as she stormed out of his room.

Zabuza just lay there. Shocked that his young apprentice was now a her. He was damn sure that his memories of examining the boy he found to ensure he was healthy enough for training weren't false. Now the question was: How in the hell had this happened?

* * *

James observed the whole scene from his room at Tazuna's house with fascination. He had changed Haku on a whim, swapping out one little chromosome. The physical effects had been instantaneous, much to his surprise. What had really been interesting, though, was that Haku hadn't noticed until he, now a she, tried to answer natures call. It seemed to shatter the kids mind. that was a temporary effect, however, as Haku's mind seemed to rebuild itself from the ground up factoring in its new gender.

The end result was a Haku that seemed to think she had always been a girl.

James idly wondered what would happened if he changed her back, but decided against that course of action. Zabuza's confusion was too amusing. Besides... Haku had been quite insecure about his looks, before. Now she felt quite good about them.

He stopped watching Haku as she ran into a sleeping Naruto and turned his attention to his pet project.

Madara was currently speaking to Itachi, and doing pretty well to not to let slip his growing madness. time to give him another push.

_Are you being a good boy, Tobi?_

* * *

"TOBI'S A GOOD BOY! I SWEAR!" screamed Madara in answer to the voice in his head.

Itachi raised an eyebrow at his mentor. Apparently living for as long as he had could cause some odd behaviours. Who was he to judge, though. Killing you whole clan was right there at the top of odd behaviours.


	5. Personal Space

Time for another chapter of meaningless tripe. I do so love writing this. Pay no mind to the reviews from cjonbloodletter if you bother to read those. That's my writing partner (yep, takes two of us to produce truly horrid writing). He seems bound and determined to provide the stupidest possible reviews.

I don't own any of the characters herein. Except for James and Jones.

* * *

Kakashi had awoken fairly early when he sensed a presence by his bed. He opened his normal eye to see James standing over him. He eyed the man, wondering briefly if he had ever heard of a razor. James had apeared in Konoha with no facial hair to speak of. Here he was about a month later with hair covering the entire lower half of his face and some of his neck. Kakashi waited for James to explain why he was standing over him in his sleep in such a creepy fashion, but no words were forthcoming.

"Okay... I give up James. What do you want?" Kakashi asked with a sigh.

"Zabuza will strike today," James answered, walking out of the room, "Be prepared."

Kakashi was almost surprised by his revelation, but had grown used to James' odd powers. It was odd that the guy could do literally anything he wanted, but was to unmotivated to bother. Kakashi supposed it was for the best. What sick and twisted things might James do to entertain himself.

* * *

Zabuza was having a hard time watching his apprentice prepare for their attack. While Haku had seemingly become a woman overnight, the guy, er... girl didn't have much modesty around him. Apparently Haku hadn't forgotten all those times Zabuza had patched him (her?) up after a rough mission. One couldn't afford modesty when sucking chest wounds were the event of the day.

* * *

Despite his best efforts, Kakashi couldn't awaken his blonde haired genin. the over zealous nitwit had trained himself to exhaustion. The one eyed jonin left him there, hoping he and James could handle whatever The Demon of the Mist could throw at them.

They left within the hour with Tazuna. Kakashi had wondered if leaving the sot at his home would be better. This was nixxed when James pointed out that any would be assassin would just avoid a fight that wasn't neccesary if the target wasn't present.

They arrived to find some of the working dead or unconcious, the rest having hopefully fled. not long after stepping onto the work site they were greeted by a thick mist. Kakashi sighed, lifted his hitai-ite, and walked into the mist.

* * *

If James hadn't known the attack was coming ahead of time, the hail of senbon would have killed Tazuna. As it was he just drained them of all kinetic energy and watched them fall.

"Impressive," said Haku, appearing a fair distance away, "I didn't even see any hand signs."

James just chuckled and stepped forward, his hands in his pockets.

"Tazuna, stay exactly where you are and nothing can harm you," James ordered casually, "Theoretically, at least."

Haku tested his claim with another hail of senbon. Just as he said, not a single one got within five feet of the fat architect before losing all momentum.

"It seems I must defeat you to accomplish my mission, then," Haku stated with a sigh. She really didn't want to kill more than she had to.

She quickly changed her opinion out of frustration. None of her attacks seemed to reach her enemy while he stood there looking bored. She had even risked some taijutsu, but those attacks just passed through him.

Finally he perked up, but instead of attacking like she expected, he spoke.

"You know, Haku. That rat Gato is going to betray you and your master," James stated as if it were common knowledge.

* * *

Kakashi knew that his sharingin would be mostly useless in the chakra laden mist, so he concentrated some chakra to his nose in a simple jutsu to sharpen his sense of smell. He crinkled it in confusion when a scent he had picked up in his first fight with Zabuza showed up with a distinctly more... feminine tang.

"Uhhh... Zabuza? Not to interupt your whole 'Demon of the Mist' bit, but wasn't your lackey a guy last time?"

Zabuza's voice drifted to him from everywhere and nowhere at once. It sounded far less menacing with his conversational tone.

"I knew I wasn't going crazy," he said, "I asked him... her... whatever, and she thought I had hit my head."

Zabuza appeared from the mist to swap a few blows with Kakashi, then faded into it again.

"I thought it was a joke at first, but it's all real," the nukenin continued, "Can't figure out how the hell it happened, though."

Another exchange ensued with both scoring minor hits.

"I mean... what could change someone's gender like that?" Zabuza asked.

Kakashi palmed his face. Was James really that twisted.

"I think I know..." the silver haired man was about to say when they both heard James proclaim Gato's ensuing betrayal.

* * *

Naruto woke to the sound of a struggle in the kitchen. He was up and down there faster than a couple of thugs can threaten a helpless woman.

Shortly after tying up a couple of thugs and finding out what was going on he bolted for the bridge. When he reached the shoreline road a foghorn caught his attention. Looking out over the clear water he saw a large yacht with _S.S Delicious Pie_ painted on the side.

"Ahoy, ye landlubber!" a familair voice called from the rail, "Be ye needin a ride?"

Naruto grinned before swimming out to the ship.

* * *

Sasuke mused on how his pinked haired teammate was actually pretty useful when she wasn't stalking him. She had been giving him all sorts of tips on his chakra control. He could now walk up and down any vertical surface with ease. His thoughts were shattered by ear splitting squeel.

"SASUKE!" Ino screamed as she flew through the air, her trajectory in line to glomp him.

Before she came within arms reach, however, Sakura's hand intercepted her at the throat. The pink haired kunoichi proceeded to choke slam her blonde rival.

"TEN FEET!" the incensed Sakura yelled at the fangirl.

Sasuke couldn't hide his smirk when he saw the fearful look in Ino's blue eyes. He had been getting Sakura to train harder over the past month, using time with him to get her to work hard. The result was a stronger, and scarier, Sakura. The fact that she had taken his personal space rule to include everyone... well that was just a nice bonus.

Ino scurried away, too afraid of her pink haired friend to try anything else. As soon as the fangirl was out of sight, Sakura went from 'crazy bodygaurd' mode to 'friendly teammate' mode in an instant.

"Shall, we Sasuke-kun?" she asked as she started back towards the training ground.

Sasuke just chuckled at her display and followed.

* * *

Haku eyed her enemy from behind her mask.

"How do I know that you are not lying?" she asked, doubting the source, not the possibility.

"What reason would I have to lie?" the bearded man countered, "I can end this fight at any moment, but I would prefer not to atomize you."

The comment might have irked the young... woman, but James had demonstrated that he was in a class of his own. Nothing she had done could touch him or Tazuna. She still didn't trust him, though. She got an odd vibe from the man. Not bad, necessarily, just wierd.

"Fine... I will show you," James offered as if in answer to her unspoken doubts.

He began to walk towards her. She tried to put distance between herself and her enemy, but found herself unable to budge. Before thoughts of impending death could form in her mind, he placed a hand gently on her forearm and smirked.

"This will feel a little strange," he warned.

Suddenly she could see... no... sense everything around her. It was if all of her senses were reaching out in all posible directions at once. She could even feel the chill of the water below her, the rough texture of the concrete of the bridge. It was almost too much for her mind.

"Woah, easy," she heard James say, "Too much... let me scale it back to just sight and sound."

Soon she found her sense of touch returned to logical levels. Then her vision narrowed to include just the area of land that the bridge connected to. There she could see multiple toughs lounging amongst the trees. She then saw Gato walk into the group.

"Alright, boys," the rat of a man said, "Time to kill us a couple of ninja."

The large group of men, maybe a hundred, whooped in excitement and lurched to their feet to charge down the bridge.

She felt the hand on her arm remove itself, and suddenly her enhanced vision snapped back to normal. Thoughts of genjutsu flitted through her mind, but what she had seen was real. She just knew.

"Zabuza-sama!" she shouted back into the mist.

* * *

"You know, Sakura," Sasuke said casually as they rested from their training, "You're looking thinner."

Sakura visibly brightened at the comment.

"That's not a good thing," Sasuke deadpanned, "How do you expect to attract any male looking like a skeleton."

The cruel comment had the desired effect on the girl. She immediately suggested they break for lunch... where she consumed enough food to rival a hungry Naruto.

Sasuke had noticed a plateau in the kunoichi's stamina training. He figured it was due to her foolishly starving herself for one inane reason or another. By the way she was eating, he was right.

Sasuke's thoughts continued to wander, and his mood darkened when they landed on his traitorous brother, Itachi.

_Wonder what he is doing now, _Sasuke thought.

* * *

Itachi was at a loss for once. The Uchiha genius had come to his mentor's hide away for some advice on the nasty side effect of the mangekyou. He had found the proud clan founder huddled in a corner, wearing his odd orange mask, and consuming a rather large lolipop. How the man was managing this through the mask was beyond Itachi.

None of this really concerned the weasily man, but Madara insisted that his name was Tobi, and that he was a good boy. When Itachi had suggested anything to the contrary, the man had been reduced to hysterics. Perhaps the strain of living in hiding for over a century had finally snapped the mind of the Uchiha patron.

"Tobi's a good boy!" followed him out of the cave.


	6. Pink Slip

You've done it now. Someone gave me a real review, and I even had a few people add me to their favorites/alerts list. This obviously means that someone out there finds this at least as amusing as I do. THAT RIGHT! YOU ALL DOUBTED ME, BUT NOW I HAVE FANS! MUWAHAHAHAHA! Thanks to The Elemental Dragon Emperor for his review; my first real one.

I don't own any of the characters herein, except James and Jones.

On another note, if Jones keeps leaving me retarded reviews, they will find his body in a ditch somewhere in Uijongbu.

* * *

Gato was having a good day. He was about to betray one of his employees, kill one of his enemies, and take over a new venture to line his pockets with more money. Despite all this, things weren't going exactly as planned. His boat was supposed to have shown up to carry his small army to the bridge, but the captain had told him rough seas would make him late. Why he added the 'arrgh' on the end, Gato had no idea.

* * *

The fight had come to a stop to hastily prepare for a large group of enemies. Zabuza and Kakashi got along surprisingly well, considering they had just been trying to kill one another. They came up with a devious little plan to hopefully end the fight before it started. Why it involved them slugging the shit out of each other, Haku was unsure.

James had taken some of Haku's senbon and stuck himself in various pressure points. It was a little disturbing to see someone turn themselves into a pincushion. Haku settled for a genjutsu to make herself look more hurt than she actually was.

Soon enough Gato and his flunkies arrived to see the end of a fake battle. He blathered on about something or other. Probably some clever puns about letting Zabuza and Haku go. There was more about being a devious little shit and making more money, but no one was paying attention.

Instead they were watching a rather large yacht drift up to the bridge with _S.S. Delicious Pie _painted on the side.

* * *

Gato was feeling rather pleased with his evil bad guy monologue. The ninja at the end of were staring in disbelief at their doom. He was about to give the order to mob the shinobi when he heard a very familiar fog horn. He turned to see his yacht floating dangerously close to the bridge.

A rotund blonde appeared at the foredeck dressed oddly like the pirates that plagued Gato's merchantmen. He seemed to be rather pleased with himself, too.

"Ahoy, Gato," cried the man with a shit eating grin, "I hate bein tha bearer o' bad news, but the Gato Corp. be lettin ye go."

Gato's mood almost soured, but he recognized the joke before it could ruin his day.

"Stop fooling around, Captain," Gato shouted back, "Get those men over here to help with the ninja."

"He thinks I be jokin, men!" the captain shouted to the rest of the ship. His proclimation was met with much laughter.

"Mr. Uzumaki," He cried.

A boy Gato recognized as one of the leaf nin was at the mans side in a second.

"Yes, Captain?" he said, saluting.

"Give our friend Gato a proper send off."

* * *

James watched with growing amusement as Jones acted the part of pirate captain. The accent was especially funny. James held up his hand for the ninja to hold off from attacking Gato.

"Let him have his fun," James said, "He'll pout for a week otherwise."

With his orders recieved 'Mr. Uzumaki' jump from the boat to the bridge, forming a single hand sign.

With a cry of "Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!" the slaughter was on its way.

Toughs ran screaming or jumped from the bridge to escape the many Naruto's that were having no trouble sticking them with various pointy objects. When it ended only Gato was left, surrounded by the fifty remaining Narutos.

"What do I do with him, Captain?" they all asked in creepy unison.

"Hmmm, hold for a moment, Mr. Uzumaki," Jones called to him.

He looked to his partner in madness, and, picking up the cue, James had him standing by him in an instant.

"You took over Gato's company?" the bearded man asked his rotund friend.

"Right under his nose," Jones answered happily, "I have yes women."

"Good for you," James supplied sarcastically, "He could become a problem for you later."

"Good point," the blonde said looking about.

He spotted Zabuza and brightened.

"Zabuza-san. your former employer has lost his fortune," Jones stated evilly, "Perhaps you can be persuaded to work for me instead."

Before Jones had finished his offer, Zabuza was in front of him holding Gato's severed head.

"Sweeeeet," the rotund man said, rubbing his hands together.

* * *

Much discussion was had between the ninja about what to do with Zabuza and Haku. Jones had claimed them as his body guards for, what even the nukenin agreed, was a highly rediculous fee. Kakashi had made the point that nukenin wouldn't eactly be welcomed in Konoha. James had rebutted that no one would argue with a man that could blow you up by introducing himself. This of course raised questions as to why he needed body guards in the first place.

The arguements died out when James said the council would allow the nukenin into Konoha... or else.

Soon the bridge was done and the leaf ninja were making their way home.

Tazuna and many of the villagers watched them go.

"What a fucked up bunch of people," the bridge builder commented.

"They did save our town," Tsunami said, "And since James made Jones sell off most of his sub companies to the locals, Wave will prosper again."

"What should we name the bridge?" a random local asked.

"We should name it after someone who inspired courage in us all," Tazuna said solemnly, "The man who singlehandedly took down Gato Corp. The man who turned Wave arround."

"We should call it The Great Jones Bridge."

* * *

"What's wrong Kakashi-sensei," Naruto asked, seeing the wince on his teachers face.

"I get the feeling something stupid just happened," the jonin replied, looking back at his two substitute team members, their new friends trailing close behind.

"You have no idea," he heard James mumble.

Before looking away, Kakashi noticed the fatter of the two holding a sheet of bubble wrap, popping it happily.

"Ummmm... Jones," the silver haired man ventured, "Where did you get that?"

"Found it," came the simple response.

"Where?" asked James, now curious.

"Around..." Jones said defensively.

Out of thin air a pie was in James' hands. The sight of it had Jones salivating instantly.

"Tell me, Jones," said the bearded man menacingly, "or the pie gets it."

He held the pie out in one hand, balancing it precariously on the tips of his fingers.

"You... you wouldn't dare!" the pie enthusiast cried.

"But I would, Jones," James countered evilly.

Jones watched, torn, as James slowly let the pie slip off his fingers.

"HAMMER SPACE!" yelled Jones before the pie fell, "NOW GIVE ME THE FUCKING PIE!"

Everyone froze in confusion. Jones coddled his newly acquired pie, mumbling into it how everything would be all right.

"What the hell is hammer space?" Zabuza asked.

"It's a fictional gag used in some manga's," James explained, "It gets it name from the fact that characters will randomly pull large weapons, usually hammers, out of nowhere to strike those they are annoyed with."

"Isn't that what you do?" Naruto asked confused.

"Hmmm... No," answered the reality bender, "I have to follow certain rules of physics, like preserving the net mass of the universe."

"Huh?"

"I can't make something without destroying something else," James simplified, "Hammer space is a completely illogical hole in reality where one could pull random objects from."

"So he's lying," asked Haku.

"No," James sighed, "He's too dumb to lie about something like this... Jones, give me a mallet."

The fat man paused in devouring his pie, reached behind his right shoulder and pulled a rather large mallet from... nowhere.

"Jones once again proves that logic is deathly afraid of him."

"I broke it's kneecaps so it couldn't escape me," the rotundra commented idly.

"This is gonna be a long trip," whined Kakashi, face in palm.

"No it's not," corrected James.

If asked afterwards, none of them would be able to describe what happened next. The consensus was that they had exploded and imploded at the same time, whilst turning left, right, and upside down simultaneously. The end result was various sick ninja, a vomiting Jones, and a highly amused James in front of Konoha's gates.

"What the fuck was that?" groaned Naruto.

"I folded space to get us here faster," James answered, "You get used to it after a couple of times."

* * *

Madara had been doing much better recently. He hadn't heard the voice in over a week and had only lapsed into his alter ego in minor ways. He had even managed a few short meetings to move his diabolical plans along. All of it was thanks to the work of his new psychologist.

"Welcome to Gato Corp," chirped the receptionist, "Can I help you."

"Yes," replied Madara, "I have an appointment with Dr. Jones."

"Oh... I'm sorry, sir," she said with false concern, "He had to take an emergency trip. He will be away for an undetermined ammount of time."

Madara's eye twitched. He wanted to strangle the bitch for giving him such bad news. He mentally reprimanded himself. those were bad thoughts and he was a good... boy.

He ran from the building screaming.


	7. Hateful

The primary joke in this chapter was born from an actual conversation between myself and Jones. Needless to say we are both severely disturbed individuals in much need of psychological counseling. Jones more than me. For a guy whose favorite quote is "Sleep on your back or your battle buddy will" to run loose is a scary thing indeed.

I don't own any of the characters herein, except for James. I have disowned Jones on principle.

* * *

It was a warm and peaceful day in the civilian residences of Konoha. Kids were at play with their friends. Parents new and old watched as their children enjoyed the best part of their lives. Then it all came crashing down as a series of explosions went off in seemingly random locations through the neighborhood.

Many people died that hour, incinerated by the flames or crushed by rubble. Few would come from the disaster with no scars, physical or mental. Those who did survive heard a very irate man shouting at another, and would have been very confused by his words if they had bothered to pay any attention to them.

"GODDAMNIT, JONES! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU NOT TO DO THAT IN THE FUCKING VILLAGE!"

Jones only answered James' tirade with a bout of giggling.

James growled in iritation, then watched with a smug look as the mayhem reversed itself around him. Jones pouted as his bearded comrade reversed the flow of time to undo what he had done.

"But I got the damn cat this time," Jones whined.

"Our mission," ground out James through clenched teeth, "is to catch the cat... NOT BLOW IT UP!"

His last yell earned him some odd looks from the now restored citizens of Konoha. None of them realized how many times now they had been destroyed and restored by the insane duo. James had counted up to five so far. He was on the verge of sending his friend into the center of the local star.

"Why are we even doing these stupid D rank missions, James?" the wider man asked.

"So we can qualify for the chuunin exams," was the reply, "There are some things of a personal interest to me that I wish to meddle in."

Instead of questioning the reality bender further, Jones accepted this with a shrug. He then proceeded to call out sweetly to the cat they were tasked with catching. The cat quickly lept into Jones' arms, much to the bearded man's chagrin.

"I hate you, Jones."

"Mmmm," the fat man moaned, "I feel your hate, James. It's giving me the biggest hate-on."

"Wha..." was all James could get out.

"Don't stop now James. You'll give me hate balls."

"I'm not listening to you anymore," James said, covering his ears, "You are one disturbing bastard."

"OHHH... OHH!" Jones wailed loudly, "Oh, damn. I made a sticky hate mess in my pants."

James barely heard the last bit. He was too busy trying to erase Jones from existence... again.

* * *

Kakashi had been pleasently surprised to find that his two absent genin had trained hard while he and Naruto had been away. He showed up at their usual training ground late to find Sakura practicing sticking to a tree with no less than twenty leaves adhered to her arms to make the exercise far more difficult and taxing.

Sasuke meanwhile was sparring with Naruto... and not mocking his every mistake. Instead he would press the advantage to show the blonde his opening, then tell him what he did wrong. It was almost disturbing to see the normally arrogant Uchiha help someone. After another exchange involving ten Kage Bunshin, both backed off panting.

"Don't feel too bad, Dobe," Sasuke said with a smirk, "My family style is made for riot control and quick takedowns."

"Shut up, Bastard," Naruto fired back, "I saw you activate your eye thingy. you had to pull out your bloodline to beat me."

The two glared at each other. At least their rivalry was intact. Kakashi had to wonder what had caused the change in the last loyal Uchiha. Whatever it was, the cycloptic jonin was glad for it. He walked out into the open, his signature orange book in hand.

"Sorry I'm late guys, but I have a good reason this time," Kakashi said, his nose still in his smut book, "I nominated you for the chuunin exams that are happening in a month. Just fill out these forms and be at room 302 at the academy on the date specified."

After handing off the forms he disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

Before the three genin could turn and discuss the upcoming exams, a desperate looking James appeared in their midst.

"You never saw me," he hissed quietly before disappearing into the tree line.

Shortly after Jones came running by, following James' trail unerringly.

"WAIT JAMES!" he cried, "GIVE ME MORE OF YOUR HATE! IT'S SO GOOD!"

The young shinobi gaped after the freak. Naruto was about to ask the question on all of their mind: what the fuck?

"QUIT TEASING ME JAMES," was heard from the forest before anything could be said, "MY NIPPLES ARE ALL HARD NOW!"

All words were lost from the thoroughly disturbed genin. All except for Sasuke who was muttering the whole time.

"Never again," he whispered, "Revenge isn't worth that."

* * *

Kabuto stood over his victim, a nameless ANBU in a badger mask. He stripped the body of it's gear and handed it to the last of his subordinates.

"There," he said with finality, "Now go and place the tags in the specified locations."

The man nodded to him as he donned the mask. He leapt away to do his part in the downfall of Konoha.

Kabuto turned back to the body and burned it to ash with a quick katon jutsu. He then spread the ashes to the winds with a fuuton and was about to leave when he was tackled by a fearful looking man with the scraggliest beard he had ever seen.

"He's coming!" the frantic man aqueeled, "I can't get away from him!"

"There you are, James," a voice said from behind the bearded man.

The voice's owner was revealed when James darted behind Kabuto in a futile attempt to hide from the rotund man. A pie was held out from behind the confused medic nin in offering.

"Please, Jones," James said desperately, "Just go away and I will give you this and more... WITH COOL WHIP!"

"Ahhh," Jones considered, "The hate is stronger James, but since you have that delicious pie, why don't you smear over yourself and make a tasty hate cobbler?"

Kabuto heard screaming receding from him as James ran.

"This will teach him to ruin my fun," Jones said maliciously.

Kabuto shuddered at the evil gleam in the fat man's eyes. He had finally found someone he feared more than Orochimaru.

* * *

Sasuke watched the chase with growing interest from the Hokage Monument. He had just recently met the psychotic pair known as Jones and James and had thought their powers to be wildly exagerated. He understood better now as he watched James repeatedly move from one place to another instantly in a bid to escape his far more disturbing teammate.

Jones on the other hand seemed to have an infallible sense for where the bearded man went. He always found him. Eventually Jones grew bored of tormenting his thin friend and disappeared. Sasuke took the chance to approach the recovering James.

"How do you do that?" the talented genin asked.

James looked over the Uchiha with a manic look in his eye. the chase had obviously taken it's toll on the poor man. After a minute or so he visibly calmed.

"Do what?" he inquired.

"Move from place to place like that," Sasuke clarified, "I couldn't see any chakra use, so I had to ask."

"Oh, well that's because I don't have chakra," James said, dancing around the original inquiry.

Sasuke ground his teeth at the man's refusal to enlighten him.

"That's not what I asked."

"Ahh," James said, "What did you ask, then?"

"How do you travel from point to point instantly?" Sasuke almost yelled in exasperation.

"Ohhhhh. reality is my bitch," the bearded man supplied as if it were common knowledge.

The Uchiha could only stare at the thin man. He wasn't really used to not getting his way, and this guy was, stringing him along like a fool.

"What?" asked James, "It's true. I know all the secrets of the universe. Because of that knowledge I can alter reality at will."

Still the dark eyed genin stared. Then he grew angry.

"Bullshit!" he claimed.

"Fine," said James, his voice low and menacing, "I'll prove it. This will hurt... a lot."

* * *

To say that the experience was mind blowing would be the same as calling a super nova a minor explosion. The flood of information into Sasuke's brain was far too much for his mind to bear, but James would be damned if he let a little thing like the loss of sanity or an aneurism stop him from showing the little shit everything.

Every time his mind gave out, James restored it. Every time a blood vessel popped, James fixed it. Still the revelations burst into his brain un wanted. He suddenly knew the exact size of the seemingly infinite expanse that was the universe, and his insignifigance compared to it. 'Death by Humbling' would have adorned his tombstone had James not brought him back.

Finally the flood stopped, and Sasuke was released. He no longer wanted the power James had. What was the point of living if there was no way to improve? Nothing new to learn?

"MAKE IT GO AWAY!" Sasuke screamed in agony, his brain too full.

"Do you understand why you can't have my power, Sasuke?" James asked calmly.

"YES!" answered the desperate boy, "JUST PLEASE MAKE IT GO AWAY!"

In the blink of an eye all of the knowledge evaporated, and with it, the pain. Sasuke opened his dark eyes to find himself staring into James' brown ones. The level of insanity he saw in them disturbed him greatly.

"The hold I have on my mind is tenuous, Sasuke," he warned, "Do not let your quest for power turn you into me."

All the fearful genin could do was nod frantically. James retreated to allow the boy to recover from his ordeal.

"How do you live like that?" sasuke asked, finally finding his voice, "Nothing new to learn or experience?"

The Uchiha wasn't sure he liked the slightly insane giggle that answered his question.

"I have my ways."

* * *

Pein just stared at the masked man. He knew the guy was Madara simply by the aura that surrounded the man. Madara, however, was adamant about 'joining' Akatsuki as one Tobi.

"I suppose we can allow you in to replace a recent loss... Tobi," Pein said slowly, "As long as you are good, that is."

'Tobi' noticably twitched at the word 'good', but remained calm otherwise.

"Of course," he said jovially, "Tobi's always a _good boy_."


	8. Good Panda

I HATH RETURNED FROM THE GREAT WASTES OF WRITER'S BLOCK! Fear not fans; I have abandoned this story. It amuses me far too much to stop before I'm done. Jones is no longer with me. the fucker just had to go and get orders to leave Korea. Ah well. He will be missed. I will probably still get random reviews and emails from the wierdo. It has come to my attention that my hits fall off sharply towards the later chapters. It seems only a handful of people appreciate my humor. What you should ask yourself, if you are reading this is: Do i really want to be one of those people?

Disclaimer: The characters within are not my own. Except James. Jones had to leave me. I'm gonna go cry now.

* * *

Kakashi awoke suddenly to the sound of his normally quiet phone ringing. Cursing whatever fool would call him at such a late hour, he fumbled the hand set from its cradle.

"Mm.. ello," he mumbled.

"Hello, Kakashi," a sinister voice came through the hand set, "Have you checked on the genin recently?"

Kakashi, still half asleep, attempted to puzzle out why Mr. Sinister was so interested in his students and their safety at such an hour. His thoughts were cut short when he heard a scream in a familiar voice from outside his bedroom. What the hell was Sakura doing in his apartment?

Going into full combat mode, Kakashi bust through his bedroom door to protect his out of place genin. He stopped dead when he saw the grinning faces of Jones and James. They began to chuckle at the look of contempt on his face.

"You were right, Jones," the hairier of the two commented, "That worked perfectly."

"Better than I had imagined," replied the rotundra, "Truly I am an awesome genius."

Kakashi became confused at their banter. What was this so called plan.

"What the hell are you two loonies talking about?"

His only answer was James scratching his bearded faces in an obvious manner. Kakashi groaned as he realized what the man was implying. He put his unmasked face into his hands.

"I hate you both," the cyclops gritted out, "I really do."

He looked up to see a frantic look on James face. His confusion doubled when he saw the ecstatic look he was geting from Jones. The thin man gave Kakashi a sympathetic glance before disappearing.

"Give me more of your hate, Kakashi," Jones moaned, "It's so good."

* * *

Zabuza laughed as James recounted the events of the previous night to him. He couldn't wait to develope the photos on the pen ceamera the lanky man had given him. The part at the end left him barely able to breathe he was laughing so hard. After a few minutes he regained control of his body, but continued to giggle fitfully.

"Alright, wolf man, a deal's a deal," Zabuza managed between chuckles, "Haku can participate in the chuunin exams with you."

"Excellent doing business with you, Zabuza," James said with a grin, "Now to get the Hokage to give her official genin status."

"How do you plan to do that?" the bandaged man inquired.

"I am a very persuasive man," James answered with an evil gleam in his eye.

* * *

Many odd things tended to happen in Konoha. It was a simple fact of life that was true of all the geat ninja villages and was widely accepted by the general populace. Many agreed, however, that things had gone a bit far on a bright and sunny morning only a week from the chuunin exams.

The first to truly wonder if the world had gone mad were the genin of team seven. That sat waiting at their usual meeting place for their perpetually late teacher. Imagine their surprise when only fifteen minutes after they arrived, so too did their sensei.

This alone would have been grounds for calling ANBU for a thorough investigation. The question on their minds, however, was not 'Why is our sensei so early?', but 'Why is our sensei only wearing his underwear and mask?'

the fact that he was running flat out with a paniced look in his eye was cause for concern as well. As he passed them without any slowing of his stride, the cause of his fear came into view.

"DON'T LEAVE ME UNSATISFIED, KAKASHI!" cried Jones, "I NEED MORE OF YOUR HATE!"

What really scared the genin was the fat and out of shape wacko was pacing Kakashi easily.

* * *

That afternoon after the Hokage had been forced to give a traumatized Kakashi a week off to recover he sat in his office trying not to kill his former teammates as they ranted about the problems his two new monsters were causing. Luckily for him they appeared, literally, to talk to him.

"Good afternoon," James said politely, "I have a request."

The Sandaime sighed. The man's sentence translated to 'Hey. You are about to do exactly what I say or I will turn you inside out.'

When Danzo began demanding that the fools be removed for interupting their meeting, the Hokage smirked. James looked behind himself to see the incenced elders of Konoha. He smiled brightly at them.

"Don't worry. This won't take five minutes," he soothed, "Jones, etertain them while I speak with the Hokage."

"Hi! I'm Jones," the Hokage heard, along with a large explosion outside the tower, as he followed James into his private study.

* * *

"You want to make Haku a genin?" the Sandaime asked, "then enter the chuunin exams... for what?"

"There are certain events that will occur that I wish to alter," James answer.

The Hokage considering questioning him further, but figured he wouldn't understand the man's motives.

"I suppose the paperwork is ready for my stamp?"

"Of course," said the bearded man, handing him a stack of papers.

Sarutobi just shook his head and went back through the door to his office to see two very fearful looking council members watch a wild Jones play with a strange sword like device with a barbed chain in place of the blades edge. An unseen motor drove the chain around the sword at high speed, and the sorry state of his office was testament to its destructive potential. to give things a spark of real craziness, Jones was yelling enthusiastically about killing heretics and mutants.

When he looked back at James, the man only shrugged. Jones then disappeared; sent to god knows where. The room then repaired itself to it's former state.

"Sorry about that," the hairy man said sheepishly.

* * *

While James had literally and purposely sent Jones to a completely random place in the universe, he happened to appear in the air over a side street of Konoha. A foot over a face painted Suna nin standing on a side street of Konoha, to be more exact. Jones was unharmed by the fall, but Kankuro was knocked unconcious.

After Temari had overcome her shock at the sudden knock out of her brother she began to yell at the fat man to get off of him.

"WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM? GET OFF OF HIM!" she screamed, "HE'LL SUFFOCATE!"

"Quiet, Temari," ordered a quiet and sinister voice from a nearby tree, "You're going to give me a headache."

Both blondes turned to see the third Suna sibling drop out of his hiding place. Temari looked at him fearfully, but Jones shot forward and burried him in a hug.

"PANDA!" he cried happily, "I always wanted one."

Temari looked on in horror as the foolish man was engulfed in sand for his stupidity. She looked away as the sand began to contract. she had no desire to watch her brother kill yet another man. To the suprise of both siblings, however, the sand exploded outward to the sound of a muffled cry.

Jones shook some excess sand free of his shoulders and beemed at Gaara.

"Awww. Thanks for the hug little guy," he said in a voice many reserved for babies or pets, "You're a good panda."

After patting Gaara on the head, Jones walked off leaving two very confused ninja.

* * *

Pein wondered idly why it all the most powerful people in the world were also the craziest. He supposed anyone able to survive long enough to attain his level of power was bound to go a little loony from the ordeal. After all, he used dead bodies as proxies for everything.

The instigator of such thoughts stood before one such body asking rather politely to be let into Akatsuki on the grounds that he was 'a good boy.' What was really vexxing Pein was that Madara was technically already the leader, if in the shadows. He also couldn't figure out why the Uchiha patron was eating a rather large lolipop... or how he was doing it through that mask.

"Please let me join, Pein-sama," Madara pleaded, "I swear I'm agreat ninja and I'll be super extra good."

Pein shrugged at the man's antics, "Very well. welcome to Akatsuki."


	9. Misfire

So my life has been hell recently. I finally managed to find time to finish out this chapter. Finding time to write has been a bit of trouble, and to make things worse, a viscious plot badger mauled me about two weeks ago. I now have another story that I want to put up, but I don't want to do it till this is done. Meh, I make it sound like i'm a professional writer. Really I'm just a sad little man who can't even come up with his own setting for a story... On that happy note, enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters here-in. I'm too tired to write something witty here... so piss off.

* * *

James very rarely lost his temper. What was the point of getting angry? It wasted energy and time that could be better spent solving whatever problem had brought on the emotion in the first place... or getting even with whoever irked him. This lack of a temper only got worse when he was, through some sick twist of fate, was given the knowledge of the inner workings of the universe. Why would an omnipotent jackass need to get angry?

This assumes, however, that said omnipotent jackass didn't have to deal with the only exception to universal law. Where James had an almost infinite patience, Jones had the ability and tenacity to wear it away. Rather quickly, too. How Jones had finally annoyed James to the point of truely lashing out at him, only Haku knew. She wasn't talking either. All anyone could get out of her after the incident was that she would never be able to eat pie again.

The aftermath of that incident would be a memory team seven wished they could wipe from their minds.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU 'DON'T KNOW'!?" an enraged, and surprisingly busty, Sasuke screamed.

"Well... I was trying to turn Jones inside out... I have no idea how things turned out like this," the hairy man defended himself calmly, "I mean... I suppose it's possible for me to mess up this bad, but it's so infinetesimal it would take two thousand years to count all the zeros after the decimal."

This was very little comfort to Sasuke as he, now a she, nearly snapped on the reality bender, power or no. He had been minding his own business, dutifully ignoring his teammates as they made their way to the academy for the exams. They had come upon James and his team just as his fury reached a crescendo. The obvious target of his ire had been a little further down the road holding a pie, a rubber chicken, and some forceps.

Everyone had felt the ripple in space-time as James had focused all of his rage into his abilities. Everyone looked about nervously to find the effects of his effort, but found nothing. The fat man still stood down the road with a goofy grin on his face. The most confused one had been James, until his all around sense kicked back in. Sasuke knew something bad had just happened to him when the bearded man asked him to 'please not freak out.' This is, of course, exactly what Sasuke did.

"CHANGE ME BACK!" the last Uchiha demanded.

"A fair request," James conceded, "but I can't. The last person I tried that on melted."

This earned him four incredulous stares. Jones was currently trying to catch a moth.

"What do you mean the last person?" Haku asked, "You've done... this to more than one person."

"Uhhhhh..." James replied inteligently, "Just one."

"Who?" all present asked in unison.

"Ummmm..." he said wracking his brain.

with impecable timing, Jones chose that moment to finally pay attention to what was going on.

"Sasuke," he said, looking at the newly made girl appraisingly, "I'm glad to see you finally coming out of your shell."

"W-wh-what?" Sasuke sputtered, unsure of what the wacko was talking about.

"Oh, come on, Sasuke-chan," Jones chided, "How did you expect to attract any strapping young men like Naruto-kun over there without showing off something."

Now Sasuke was at a complete loss. Had Jones thought him a girl this whole time? Off to the side he heard stifled snickering from his teammates. anger quickly overrode confusion.

"I'M NOT A GIRL YOU IDIOT!" She screamed.

The fat man blinked at the outburst.

"I never said you were, Sasuke-chan," he said seriously, "You are most definitely blossoming into a fine young woman."

"GRAHH!"

The snickering grew into full blown laughter at this. Sasuke took a few deep breaths to calm herself down. He decided to try a different approach with the fool.

"Why would Sakura be all over me if I were a female?" she asked, not really thinking about the routes a twenty-something year old mind could take.

"I realize Sakura has pink hair, but he can't help his genetics," Jones said in misled defense of the pink-haired genin.

This left said genin sputtering, too stunned to do anything. Instead it was Naruto that came to her defense.

"SAKURA ISN'T A GUY!" he yelled.

Jones considered the blonde for a moment, then smiled at him.

"Don't worry little guy," he said to Naruto, "I don't judge."

"Wha..."

"It's okay if you're gay."

* * *

Sasuke sat, bored out of her mind, in a plain white room. James had called it a pocket dimension when they had appeared there. Sasuke called it mind-numblingly dull. She glanced over at James who was currently seated in the lotus position, his brown eyes half open and glazed.

"I'm booorrreeed," she whined.

"You sound like one of those fangirls you are so fond of," James shot back without even blinking.

Sasuke winced at that. It had been a low blow, but true for the most part.

"If we take any longer, we'll miss the Exam," Sasuke stated.

"This pocket space exists outside of the normal flow of time," James assured the girl, "I can put us back moments after we left."

"Do you have any idea how to change me back?"

"Yes, but if you keep interupting me, I will leave you like that," the reality bender threatened, "Sakura is already having lesbian fantasies about you, by the way."

Sasuke shuddered at that thought. She had to admit that the pink-haired kunoichi wasn't too bad as a friend, but the girl still had trouble accepting the fact that Sasuke just didn't want that kind of relationship. Sasuke was still trying to figure out what the dobe saw in her.

She tended to be obsessive, demanding, tempermental, and could be quite lazy at times. He was determined, strong, kind, had the bluest eyes, was kinda cu...

"GAAHHHHH!" Sasuke screamed in surprise.

Bad thoughts. BAD THOUGHTS. get a hold of yourself Sasuke... It's just the body. You are still a man. Naruto is not cute; he's hot. FUCK!

"Shit," James said, "It's sarting. Your mind is turning."

The Uchiha heiress looked to James with fear in her eyes.

"What's gonna happen to me?"

"You'll have a complete mental breakdown as your male thought processes clash with female horomones," James explained calmly, "Your mind, in an amazing display of self preservation, will restructure all of your memories and thoughts around being a female."

"I don't want to be a woman!" Sasuke cried out.

"Good...I'd hate to have to change you back into one." James said.

Sasuke stared at the man in confusion. Then his brain caught up with his new... parts. He was him again. With all the parts necessary. Before he could even begin to celebrate they were back amongst their friends, whom they had left in the midst of trying to convince Jones that Sakura was not a guy and thus Naruto was not gay.


	10. Intervention

And so I return. It has been a while, but sometimes life can get in the way of great time wasters like fan fiction. So can other time wasters like gaming. I have actually been working on getting this going again. I read through old chapters, laughed as I remembered the conversations with Jones that spawned them... good times. He actually provided the opening to this chapter. He emailed it to me as a joke. I thought it was too funny not to include.

_Last time on The most Excellent adventures of Jones and James (begin playing dramatic music)_

The following happened in between nap time and lunch time

"I want the truth!" Jones screamed

"You can't handle the truth!" Jones' reflection screamed back.

* * *

"I'm pregnant?" Kurenai whispered looking at her test results.

"I know, weird right? This didn't happen in the manga until after the time skip... and then Asuma died... Does this mean I should kill him? Hmm..." Jones said somehow being inexplicably behind her looking over her shoulder.

* * *

"Ding!" Jones cried standing on top of pile of cannon fodder... Gennin.

Jones has leveled up. Jones can now learn the move "Kick him in the Jibblies", but Jones can only learn 4 moves...

* * *

Jones and Jones stared each other in the eyes and said at the same time "You're me... But I'm you"

"Damnit Jones, must you do that every time you use a bunshin"

* * *

_And now we return to your terrible terrible story..._

Words couldn't begin to describe it. There was no form of the word weird strong enough. All one could say was that it was very... _Jones._

Haku stood dumbfounded, trying to process the event that had just taken place right in front of her. The gender swap of the Uchiha boy had been wild enough, but this was simply _ludicrous. _She was amazed that her sanity remained intact after her foray into the realm of Jones and James.

_2 days previous..._

"Jones... why do you feel the need to destroy every new person we meet?" James asked.

"He introduced himself," Jones replied defensively, "I was just being polite by doing likewise."

"Why not just wear a name tag?" Haku suggested reasonably, "Then you wouldn't have to say your name..."

"Tried that," James grumbled, "The fricken paper went off like a thermonuclear device."

"I told you that my awesomeness would increase exponentially if you tried to affix it to something permanently," Jones said happily.

"Jones..." James growled threateningly, "Stop talking or I will erase all matter, thought, and memory of pie from this universe."

Jones gasped in horror, but didn't otherwise speak. Haku was still trying to piece together what a thermo-whatsit was.

The classroom was already crowded with chunin prospectives from all the major villages and a few of the nearby minor ones. Few paid much heed to James and Jones, for neither carried themselves as shinobi. Haku, however, drew many looks, many wary, more than a few lustful, and some envious. She was the picture of the perfect kunoichi. James had to stifle his chuckles, wondering how many of these guys would still be ogling her if James had never meddled in her (back then, his) genes. Ah the things one would do for amusement when one was omnipotent.

* * *

Madara burst into the room labeled "Free Lolipops for Good Boys" to find the major players of Akatsuki sitting in chairs arranged in a circle. One was left empty, to which Pein indicated.

"Sit, Madara-sama, please."

"Who's Madara?" Madara asked innocently, "My name is Tobi, and I came here for my free lolipop, since I'm such a good boy."

Pein sighed in frustration,"Fine, Tobi. Please sit down... like a good boy."

That prompting had Madara's ass glued to the chair.

"There are no lolipops... Tobi," Pein confessed, "This is an intervention. Everyone here is very worried about you."

"You haven't hatched a diabolical scheme in weeks," Itachi picked up.

"Your intake of sweets has reached ludicrous proportions," Kisame added.

"That thing you were doing with the popsicle yesterday was downright disturbing," Hidan shuddered.

"I didn't think it was that bad," Deidara piped in.

"He fit the whole thing in his mouth at once!" Hidan cried.

"So?" Deidara countered.

"So?" Hidan was shaking with disgust and rage, "SO! THE DAMN THING WAS NEARLY A FOOT LONG!"

* * *

Jones, spotting his blonde headed protege in all things awesome, sauntered over to the youth and his team who were engaged in a conversation with an older genin that looked mildly familiar for some reason. The older genin had a deck of cards, and was explaining their use. He was doing his best to ignore the approach of the wild eyed fat man, and was sweating a bit.

"Hey guys," Jones interrupted jovially, "What's going on? Is this some kind of game? Can I play?"

"Well..." Kabuto gulped, "You see, these are cards with detailed inf..."

Jones was no longer listening, however, as he reached over his right shoulder. When it came back he was holding a single card.

"I SUMMON THE BLUE EYES WHITE DRAGON!" he cried, throwing the card to the floor.

The card burst into a cloud of smoke. When the smoke cleared, a rather large white winged lizard with glowing blue eyes was taking up about half the classroom. It swiveled its enormous head to stare squarely at Kabuto... who promptly wet himself and bolted out the window... in that order.

"Does that I mean I win?" Jones asked the half of the room that hadn't just been crushed to death, "But that wasn't fun at all..."

Picking up the cues from its summoner, the dragon burst through the wall of the classroom to give chase to the fleeing Kabuto.

"Jones," James ventured, "Why in the name of all that is good would you summon a dragon into this small of a space?"

"Why?" Haku whispered, stricken dumb, "How?"

"First you multiply pi by 42," Jones explained, "Anyone with half a brain will come up with cake... which is a lie... dirty lying pastry that cake... after that you just apply the derivative, and BOOM! Dragon."

Everyone still alive and not too injured just stared at the crazy fuck.

"Unless of course the cake is cheese cake," Jones added, "Then you get a griffon."

About half the room got to feel the pain from the biggest mass aneurism ever seen in this universe, or any other, before James reversed the flow of time. Jones pouted at him the whole time.

"Oh calm down," James said, "I left the dragon chasing Kabuto. I wanted him gone anyway."

James regretted those words when Jones hugged him.

* * *

Ibiki nearly choked when he was told that Konoha's resident madmen were present for his exam. He figured the whole thing would have been ruined, and he would either have to pass along all the genin or none at all. Or maybe he would just have to clean up the mess after a polite exchange of names.

To his immense surprise, the two were well behaved. As soon as a test was handed to James, he handed it back with all answers filled out, correct, and with references. Jones took a different approach. When Ibiki looked over the test, he felt there was a joke somewhere in it, but couldn't place it. He felt an odd need to write 1000 percent on it however.

Eventually after all was said and done, half the participants had been eliminated, and Ibiki gave his ultimatum. The blonde demon vessel gave some stupid speech and stayed put, along with some other nitwits inspired by his words. They seemed ecstatic to have passed, but in truth, no one had ever taken up his offer before, and he had stopped prepping the final question out of laziness.

Cue Anko's ever flashy entry and the kiddies were shuffled off.

"I don't think you've ever passed on so many, Ibiki," she chided, "Losing your touch?"

"Hmmm," Ibiki said distractedly, still trying to decipher what Jones had put on his test.

Annoyed at being ignored, Anko snatched the paper from his hand and looked it over. She lost her pique after studying it for a moment.

"Who or what is a Chuck Norris?" She asked, "And why is it written for every question on this test?"


	11. Lynch Mob

I feel obligated to warn anyone who reads this. Jones was very happy with the ending. That can only mean terrible things. I wanted to delve a little more into Good Boy Tobi. Here you see more of the effects of his insanity.

* * *

Madara tore through the hideout for Akatsuki, ignoring the usual method of opening doors and phasing through them to save time. Hot on his heels was Kisame, blind with rage, who simply demolished any obstacle, structural, decorative, or living, that came between him and the object of his ire. In his hands was, inexplicably, a massive stick of rock candy.

"COME BACK HERE YOU CRAZY FUCK!" Kisame screamed as he bowled through a group of lesser Akatsuki shinobi, maiming or killing the majority of them.

"Tobi has done nothing wrong!" Madara yelled over his shoulder, "He's a good boy!"

"I'M GONNA STRANGLE YOUR 'GOOD BOY' NECK!" Kisame shouted back, nearly trampling a scrambling Deidara.

"What the hell has gotten into them?" he asked no one in particular as he picked himself up.

Itachi, who had been running after the rampaging shark man slowed down to answer.

"Madara demonstrated an odd jutsu that can rearrange matter," he offered in his usually bland voice.

"So why did that piss off Kisame?" the effeminate man and/or masculine woman questioned.

"Madara asked what Kisame favorite candy was," Itachi said, now stopped to explain, "When Kisame said rock candy, Madara used the jutsu on Samehada."

"Why does Madara do these things?" Deidara asked, "What has happened to his mind?"

* * *

Haku didn't know what to make of it, but it definitely creeped her out. James had been giggling to himself uncontrollably for the past fifteen minutes, and had completely ignored the three attempts Jones had made to disturb him. This of course hadn't saved the rest of the group, who was most likely scarred for life. Gravy should never ever be used in that manner.

Itachi had to give it to the old codger. Insanity had done nothing to dull his skills. Despite a raging Kisame, whose abilities multiplied with his anger, Madara had given him the slip. After tearing apart the store room the candy crazed Uchiha patriarch had disappeared into, the shark man went tearing off in a random direction, presumably in an attempt to regain the trail, but just as likely to find something to maim.

* * *

"Is he gone?" Itachi heard from seemingly nowhere.

"For now," Itachi replied.

A rather disheveled looking Madara stepped from his little pocket of nowhere. Itachi thought better of asking him how he could see with his mask on upside down.

"I don't understand why Kisami is so angry," Madara said innocently, "He said he loved rock candy."

"Perhaps it is because you turned his one of a kind heirloom weapon of rasping doom into his favorite, and highly soluble, candy," the younger Uchiha offered.

"What would solubility have to do with anything?"

Itachi couldn't help it... He did something he swore never to do. No one on his level of cool ever drooped to a facepalm.

"Was it something I said?"

_Old age cannot be the only reason for this, _Itachi thought.

* * *

Jones was pouting quite hard by now. Not only had he failed to capture the attention of, and thus failed to infuriate, James, the thinner, far more hairy man was managing to steal his creepy spotlight. The man known for omnipotence and jackassery of a level even gods would cringe at was in a full blown laughing fit. When asked what was so funny, all he could manage was: "It dissolves in water! HE USES WATER TECHNIQUES!"

When Anko called for a member of each team to come forward and turn in the form basically stating "You die: your problem" a small brawl broke out within each team to be the one to remove themselves from the maniac.

Kisame's blind frothing-at-the-mouth rage had cooled to a more manageable nearsighted drooling-at-the-thought-of-revenge anger. With a lessening of emotion came an increase of logic and reason. The problem was easy enough to see. You couldn't catch Madara because he was too good at evasion and stealth. Kisame had come up with a diabolical plan to capture the slippery crack-pot.

A pile of sweets sat on a silver tray under a large box propped up by a stick. The stick had a rope tied to it, the other end of which was held in Kisame's hands out of sight. Kisame had never been all that good at trapping.

This didn't seem to matter, however, as Madara crept into the large room in which the trap had been set. He stopped many times to listen intently; Kisame held his breath lest he spook the skittish wacko. Eventually Madara reached the box, and began to reach for the candy only to find it just out of reach. When he clambered under the box to get at the delectable delights, Kisame heaved on the rope. A clatter rose as Madara attempted to escape his new confines, something he seemed unable to do, despite having been trapped by a simple wooden crate. Kisame began to laugh in delight at his genius. The laugh quickly went from delight to derangement; a derangement that could heard across the whole of the Akatsuki hide-out, causing many to shiver in fright.

"What do you suppose that means?" Konan asked.

"The crazy is spreading," Pein replied.

"Who brought it to the organization?" she queried, "Who could have spread this insanity?"

"My guess?" Pein asked rhetorically, "Zetsu. That fly trap of a man has always had that split personality thing going on."

"What should we do about it?"

"What any good citizen placed in an insane situation would do," the leader of Akatsuki said, "I say we lynch 'em."

* * *

Haku was regretting her master's choice to follow these two more and more by the second. Jones was pouting so hard, she was sure the blonde's lower lip had grown to three times its natural size. James was smiling. Smiling in a way that said 'Could someone help me into my straight jacket, please?' When she had dared to question him, this was his response.

"It's catching like wildfire!"

* * *

The lesser members of Akatsuki were slightly confused at the issuance of torches and pitchforks. Even more confused by the speech about how plant men were taking over their world, but who could resist a good mob. Pein soon had them whipped into a frenzy, calling for the sap of the plant man who had brought the insidiousness of 'The Crazy' into their midst.

"We must uproot this evil from our midst!" Pein cried to the cheering men, "We must force this charlatan to leave, lest he plant more seeds of insanity! He must be pruned so that I may stop this horrible train of puns!"

Soon a good two thirds of Akatsuki was marching through the halls, headed by Pein. They finally reached Zetsu's door, which hung ajar. Zetsu was nowhere to be found, but his room was full of all manner of plants.

"THE TRAITOR HAS FLED AND LEFT HIS BRETHREN TO DIE!" Pein screamed.

And so began a massacre. No root was left in soil, no leaf on its branch, no vegetable uneaten. Hours later, when the orgy of violence had played out, and the mob dispersed, Zetsu returned from a short trip to a gardening store where he had purchased more potting soil for his babies. His dual voiced cry was heard for miles around.

"WHYYYYYYYYYYYY?"

* * *

The first team they had come across had simply laid down their scroll and ran. Haku had to admit that James miasma of crazy was effective at ending fights before they started, but nine scrolls later, things were getting rediculous. It hadn't been a full forty eight hours since the beginning of the exams, and they had eliminated nine teams with no blood shed and plenty of mental damage. She had had enough.

"JAMES!" She yelled to get his attention.

"Hehehehe... I... er..." He answered, slightly disoriented, "What?"

Seeing that he was finally focused outward, Jones perked up. Haku could see he was itching to do something terrible to the omnipotent ass. Haku felt the need to oblige him, considering the odd hell she had been through for the past two days. She tossed Jones a wink to let him know he had her help.

"What the hell have you been doing for the past two days?" She asked calmly.

"An... experiment into group psychology," He answered cryptically, "It has been engagin... Where are we?"

"The Forest of Death," Haku said exasperated, "We've been here for over twenty four hours."

"Oh...Are we winning?"

"We have nine scrolls," She answered seeing a thumbs up from Jones, "Jones has something you should see though."

As James turned to see what his rotund counterpart had to show him, Haku turned the other direction and covered her ears. Anything that Jones had planned would most likely drive any normal person mad. It would be some horror from far beyond the realms of sanity. Something that lurked within the plutonian abyss. She never saw what he did, but from James reaction, she was glad she didn't.

* * *

"What do you want, Fatty?" James asked with contempt, turning.

"Ohhh... James. Your hate feels so good," a sultry, but disturbingly familiar voice answered.

His brain froze. Before James stood what could only be described as a blonde bombshell. Perfectly proportioned and dressed in shining black leather. High heeled boots that hugged shapely legs up to the thigh;, a teddy, solid over the naughty bits, mesh everywhere else; long gloves, and a tight collar. James always went from bottom to top, just to make sure a butter face wouldn't ruin it till the very end. Her face was perfect though. Then he saw it... the eyes. That shade of blue with that wild and crazy look. The kind that said 'Sleep on your back, or I might,' and he knew.

"What's the matter James," that sultry yet familiar voice said again, "Give me more of your hate."

As she said it she buried a screaming James in a tight hug, causing him to catch a mouthful of leather covered titty. James' brain mercifully shut down on him there.

* * *

When Haku turned around, Jones was holding up a catatonic James. The thinner man stared with horror at nothing, his only movement twitching. Thats when Jones began prancing about, singing 'I'm a Little Teapot.' By the time James had come to, she was holding three more scrolls.


	12. Detect Traps

Well... here we are again. It's been quite some time. Deployment and separation from the military eat up a lot of time. I am not sure how long it will be before the next chapter, but it will definitely be the last. Jones had a rather big hand in this chapter (which isn't saying much). Tubby is a sick man.

* * *

"Dear god James, look at her!"

"Jones... That's"

"A goddess. I know."

"No, Jones, that's"

"I'm gonna go talk to her!"

After expunging his memory... twice, James was finally able to move under his own power again. Quickly growing bored he had led his group to Team 7 seeing as Naruto and Sasuke were always fun victims... er, people to hang around. This is how they ran upon a disguised Orochimaru.

Jones smoothed his hair back, "How do I look?"

James was at a loss, "Jones... that's not... she's not...You know what, looking good, Go get 'em, Tiger."

Jones strolled over as sauvely as he could (which is to say, not at all) and said, "Hey, you come here often?"

The snake-nin currently beating Naruto senseless with his tongue raised an eyebrow. Jones had apparently rolled a critical miss to detect traps.

"I couldn't help but notice that you like beating up children, that's something we have in common."

Orochimaru was all kinds of confused. His plan to test the last Uchiha and give him the 'Love Bite of Doom' had been going splendidly not counting the rampaging demon container, when this fat blond had popped up and began propositioning him. Rather sleazily too. The worst part was the body he was possessing at the moment, a young teenage girl, was responding favorably to it.

"So, sweet thing, you doing anything later?"

"I...I...I..." Orochimaru stammered, trying and failing not to blush like a school girl, "I gotta go," and he promptly dissolved into a mass of mud. He had used some jutsu to swap out.

Jones turned to a dazed Naruto with anger in his eyes, "Damnit Naruto! You ruined my swagger!"

* * *

It hadn't taken long to reach the tower after that, Jones pouting the whole time.

"Think we'll see her again?" he asked hopefully for the hundredth time.

"I'm sure you'll have another chance, Jones," James consoled him sarcastically.

"Why are we leaving these out here again?" Haku asked, reffering to the pile of scrolls with a sign that said 'Scrolls free to good home.'

"For my amusement," James answered.

Haku had to admit, the ensuing brawl had been rather impressive. Many of the teams were at a loss on how to obtain a scroll, since James' had ended up with so many, and the pile served as a great lure. Eventually, after much chaos, seven teams stood before the Hokage and exam proctors.

The Hokage gave some spiel about teamwork and all that jazz, then commenced to shit on his own speech by pitting them against one another in an elimination style tournament. Upon reaching the stands to await his match, James noticed something odd.

"Jones...What the fuck?"

"What?" the fatty replied.

"Why is Naruto dressed as Batman?" James asked him.

Jones gasped, "How on earth did you guess Batman's secret identity?"

"He just said, and I quote, 'I am the night-teboyo.'"

"Really gotta work on that verbal tic of his."

"Yes," James agreed," You should. Now stop avoiding the question."

"He asked for tips on how to pick up chicks, and I passed on the sage advice handed down to me from the internet: 'Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman. Always be Batman.'"

"Goddamnit Jones," James facepalmed.

"Inuzuka Kiba and Uzumaki Naruto..."

"Batman," the blonde interupted, "I'm Batman."

Hayate looked to his boss. Sarutobi just shrugged and motioned for him to continue.

"Okay, then. Inuzuka Kiba and Batman are the next match-up."

The opening exchanges flew, and to everyone's surprise, Naruto... er, Batman... was gaining an advantage.

"You know he's doing surprisingly good, when did he find the time to learn how to throw Batterangs in the first place?" James asked.

"I had him sink a shit ton of points in exotic weaponry. That and the cape gives him like +5 to badassery."

"Time well spent."

"Indeed."

The match was called five seconds later with Kiba strung up from the ceiling unable to move and Akimaru taken out by a taser. A blur went down to the black clad genin, reforming into Tenten, who began peppering Naruto with questions about his gadgets and weaponry.

"Validated!" Jone cried happily.

"Shut up, Jones."

"Always be Batman. ALWAYS!"

"SHUT UP, JONES!"

* * *

Soon, a match everyone had been dreading came around.

"Jones and Abumi Zaku," Hayate called.

Jones walked out into the fighting area holding a slice of apple pie on a plate and fork. He looked to be in heaven.

"Where the hell did he get that?" Haku asked.

"Just... You don't want to know," James answered her.

Zaku, being oblivious to the walking havoc that was Jones, soon grew annoyed and used his air cannon to blast the plate out of Jones' hand.

At that exact moment several seers around the world simultaneously began to convulse and leak blood from all orifices. Cats and dogs began to get along. Satan was heard to say "OH SHIT!" and zip up his winter parka. Years later the sound of the crashing desert plate (One does not simply eat Delicious Pie on a paper plate) was likened to the sound of the fabric between reality and Things Which Man Is Not Meant To Know shattering.

"At least look at the Man who's going to kill you Tubby."

Jones looked down at his soiled pie and snapped. What followed was a truly horrifying Swirly Naked Light Show. If you ever wondered what Sailor Moon would be like if you replaced all the perky young heroines with hairy, morbidly obese grown men you should take this moment to take a swig of bleach. Nice refreshing bleach.

"Halt Evil Doer, Delicious Pie is something to be treasured and savored by all, not thrown on the ground by useless trash like you. In the name of the Moon, Love, Justice, and Delicious Pie; Prepare To Be Punished."

And then carnage ensued. Adorable, Fluffy, Pink, Heart Shaped Carnage.

Nobody ever disrespected a pie again, and villains always politely waited for Jones to finish before attacking.

* * *

After the pie incident, no one wanted to see what would happen when James entered the ring. Misumi fidgeted nervously under the hairy man's implacable gaze. This went on for a good five minutes when suddenly the man cracked.

"I CAN'T TAKE THIS SHIT!"

To everyone's surprise, he burst into flames and laughed the entire time as he burned to death.

"You somehow managed to make that more disturbing than Jones' fight," Haku commented to James upon his return to the stands.

"I try," he replied modestly.

* * *

Somewhere in the streets of Konoha, an avenger awakened. Tasked by the Holy Writer Above to take revenge on those foolish enough to abuse his story. He knew what he must do. For he, and he alone, had the power to stand up to James' cosmic jackassery and Jones' power of awesome. Who was this mysterious avenger? Someone no one would ever expect.


	13. NO ONE SUSPECTS

This is my last chapter for this. I have to admit that this was a terrible idea all around. Funny, but terrible. Jones was a little scared that I was able to capture his thinking so well. He assures me he will be wearing a tin foil hat from now on to stop my 'alien brainwaves.' In any case, if you bothered to read to this chapter, thanks for joining me. I'm going to be posting a more serious story soon. I promise my writing is better than is represented here. Really. I'm telling the truth.

* * *

The preliminaries over, everyone had made it back into Konoha proper. Jones was chasing bugs and introducing himself to the ones he caught. James was chuckling to himself with a far away look. Everyone else was giving them a wide berth.

"I find it hard to believe that those two are the most dangerous people in Konoha," a flabbergasted Temari said to no one in particular.

"Well," Naruto, now back as his non crime fighting alter ego, "James is generally harmless unless provoked. Jones is the one to watch out for."

Temari looked over at the fat man just as he caught a rather beautiful purple butterfly. With a happy, "Hi, I'm Jones!" the thing went off like a phosphorous bomb.

"What the hell is going through his head?"

* * *

_Ohh! That was awesome! I bet I can find a beetle and make it shoot carapace shrapnel._

_I wonder what James is doing... Probably messing with Tobi/Madara again. Maybe I can bother him for some pie. Nah. He'll just try to disintegrate me again._

_OHHH! A RABBIT!_

"HI MISTER RABBIT! I'M JONES!"

_WOW! Who knew blood mixed with awesome made napalm?_

_Oh look... a turtle._

"James... think fast... JONES!"

_Oh... he looks mad. Maybe he would calm down if he saw Jones-chan... yea, sexy time! Give that ass a smack for good measure. Man I look hot in leather._

_Oops... I suppose catatonia counts as being calmer._

* * *

This was it. This was the best chance he would get. The great author had chosen him to avenge the plot, and so he would against any odds. With James in a stupor from his friends own actions, he could take out the dumber one. He stepped from the shadows of an alleyway and stood in Jones' path.

"Halt, evildoer!" he tried to sound badass, but he had to sniff to keep his nose from running, "You have run rampant in this story long enough. The author has sent me to deal with you."

Jones simply stared at the child before him. The dorky glasses, the goggles on his forhead, the runny nose... it all added up to one thing in Jones' mind.

"Hi I'm Jones!"

To his great surprise nothing happened.

"And I..." pause for dramatic effect, "am UDON!"

Jones wasn't listening. He was too busy pouting that nothing even remotely awesome had happened anywhere nearby.

* * *

The citizens of Kumogakure were in a panic. Their Raikage had just begun to address them for one reason or another when his whole tower had exploded.

* * *

"HEY!" Udon sniffed, "Are you listening to me?"

"JONES!" Again nothing happened, "The hell is up with this shit?"

"JONES! JONES! JONES!"

* * *

A general panic had degenerated into an apocalyptic scene of rape, murder, and pillaging. In the sky, a series of massive fireballs could be seen falling toward Kumo. To them, the end had come.

Over the general din of chaos could be heard one despairing cry, "ALL IS LOST! ALL IS LOST!"

* * *

"Your powers of awesome are no match for me foolish clown," Udon took a moment to really clear his sinuses, "The great Kishimoto has given me the power to break the fourth wall!"

Jones stared at him for a moment, then walked over to where James was sitting catatonic. Ignoring the crowd that had formed to watch the bizarre confrontation, Jones began to slap his 'friend' across the face. He continued this for a minute until his hand seemed to pass through James' fuzzy cheek.

"Oh good!" Jones remarked happily, "You're awake!"

"The hell do you want Jones?" James asked in a surly tone, all memory of 'Jones-chan' mercifully wiped from his mind, "The fuck are you slapping me for?"

Jones just pointed to Udon, "That kid says your cosmic powers aren't shit."

"... Udon?"

"Yea..." Jones agreed with the unspoken 'You've got to be fucking kidding me.'

"The almighty author demands that you leave his story," Udon declared nasally, promptly snorting up snot back into his nose.

"Is he talking about Kishimoto?" James asked incredulously, "Who the fuck breaks the fourth wall like that?"

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," Udon replied calmly.

"Why in the hell would choose Udon, though?" James went on, "Why not a main character or something."

Udon struck what he must have thought was a heroic pose. His fist in the air and his butt sticking out he proclaimed, "BECAUSE NO ONE SUSPECTS UDON!"

"That's for damn sure," James deadpanned, "Seeya kid."

Udon disappeared for a moment then reappeared.

"That won't work, fool," sniff, "I have the power to break the fourth wall. Any and all plot holes are mine to exploit or destroy at will."

"That a fact?" at his nod James got a faraway look. He came to a moment later, "Fix that you little shit."

"What did you do?" Jones asked.

* * *

At that moment, a very depressed Naruto was making a noose. No one saw him toss it over a tree limb and hang himself. They were too busy watching a little kid confront Konoha's most dangerous.

* * *

"Closed a plot hole where a lonely little kid hated by everyone in his town was still somehow not suicidal," James noted idly, "Your move fuckstick."

Udon looked livid that James would have the gall to immediately go for the title character, "You want to play dirty, huh? Take that."

* * *

Madara sat at the head of the table, his mask off, all trace of insanity gone from his eyes, "I suppose you know why I called you all here?"

"This is about the master plan, right?" Pein asked.

"Indeed."

* * *

James narrowed his eyes and smiled evilly.

* * *

"About the plan," Pein said, "I think we should just scrap it."

"What?" Madara asked, "What about all that 'world peace by the sword' bullshit."

Pein thought about it, "Well... doesn't really make much sense if we kill just about everyone just so no one wants to fight. What's the point?"

* * *

"GAH!" cried Udon, "Curse you James!"

"To be fair, Nagato came to that conclusion anyway," James said innocently, "I just thought with Naruto swinging I could help him out."

"HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO JUST GO THAT WAY!" Udon screamed, "HE HAS TO HAVE A LIFE CHANGING MOMENT!"

"Like Naruto just talking to him..." James shot back, "Fucking. Lame."

"GAHHH! HOW... How can I beat you?"

"Simple... Know everything," James said condescendingly, "I can alter the universe at will. If you want to do the same, you need to know, quite literally, everything."

"Hah!" Udon cried triumphantly, "You think you are so good that giving away your power won't do me any good. Well you thought wrong!"

Udon began to concentrate and so missed to evil grin that James gave him. He turned to the crowd, "Well so long people. Nice knowing you."

"Are we going some where?" Jones seemed confused and excited.

James looked back at Udon, "In about three... two... one..."

Udon began to expand. First just growing in size, then bloating and distending in weird ways. As he grew in size, so too did he increase in density. Soon objects and people were flying towards him at him speeds. Where ever they landed on the mass, they were simply subsumed into the flesh. Eventually, Udon's mass reached a critical point, and he began to shrink at an alarming rate. Jones and James looked on, completely unaffected by the creation of the new Udon black hole. Soon the whole planet they were on was sucked in and destroyed.

"Wow!" Jones said, "What did you do to him?"

"Got him to try and gain all the knowledge in the universe," James explained, not really bothering the question of how they were speaking, much less living, in a complete vacuum, "The mass of neurons needed for that is apparently enough to make a black hole."

"Wait..." Jones was baffled, "Don't you know everything in the universe."

"Nope. Just enough to be an asshole."

"So what now?"

James shrugged, "Let's go see how bad we can fuck with the Sailor Senshi."


End file.
